[NVC Day 18] -- [Sometimes All You Can Do is Breathe] -- [Kirk/Bones]

[kirktastic]

After everything that had happened the last few days, whatever had infected him and boiled his blood on top of his stress about the new bond and the trial... Jim was starting to fall back into bad habits Bones had been trying to break of him for years. He didn't want to eat as it only added to the cramping in his stomach, and sleep... it either didn't come, or it came in fits.

There was just too much in his head, spinning endlessly. He sat there on the deck, back up against the wall of the building, with a PADD half propped up in his lap. Why did Vulcans have to be so damn exclusive about things? It was making his search for a healer, something to try and help them figure out what they needed to know about, and what they could do about, the bond. The last thing he needed was information spreading out about what had happened with Spock, honestly wasn't even happy with the idea of being caught going to the healer at all. Caught? What am I, sneaking out of the house? Jim almost laughed to himself.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall, thinking. There had to be a way. Bones probably could contact someone, maybe even knew someone who could find someone else, but it had to be someone... they could trust. Maybe, more specifically, someone Jim could trust. This all felt too much like having to go see a psych. Way, way too much like having to see a psych. He'd have to talk to Bones about it, and they'd have to figure it out together. It was the only real chance they had to go about this without half of the planet and the media knowing, at least in Jim's mind.

He didn't want to have to think about what was coming up for the day. They had passed along the information along to him... he would be testifying today. The sheer idea of it had his stomach curling up on itself, the bones in his hand threatening to scream at him. He didn't want to sleep; the idea of nightmares about all that had happened were worse than the nightmares themselves.

At least the sunsets were beautiful on Sha'Kwai. The sunrises, coming up over the ocean, were more so.

He got up and put the PADD side, walking down to the sands and down the sands to the beach and down the beach to the water. He dropped his robe just outside of the water's range, then stepped into the lukewarm water. It felt like almost neutral-temperatured water, like a bath left too cool. He dove into the water.

(OOC: This is running on the premise that the trial was postponed for two days until the sexpop was dealt with, as well as this happens after a tread that will be coming up.)

Comments

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones had been watching Jim for a few minutes. Standing by the door with his coffee, he could see all the tension filling Jim, the way he let himself be when he thought no one was watching. It might have made him smile to know that his thoughts were mirroring Jim's, if the reason behind it all hadn't been so troubling.

This whole situation, fuck, this whole trip down here on the planet had been one stressful situation after another, and it was impossible for either of them to keep it inside too much longer. Had to talk to someone, had to find out the answers.

But first - they had to get through today. One day at a time, just like they were gonna get through this trial. Bones slid on some boxers and stepped out onto the beach and toward the water.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim didn't spot Bones immediately, seemed to be intent on curling over the waves of the ocean, ducking beneath them and swimming along the clear waters. He came back up with a gasp, shoving a hand through his hair and looking out at the sunrise that was making the ocean orange. He wiped water dripping into his eyes, making them sting.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

There were few things Jim didn't do well. Watching him swim was always entertaining, Bones was able to admire the long muscles of his back, the way his arms scooped into the water. Person shouldn't be allowed to be that graceful in the water.

He sat down on the sand and finished his drink, and waited for Jim to finish.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Eventually Jim caught sight of Bones, stopping dead in the water in surprise. He got whapped in the back of his head by a wave and had to shake water out of his eyes before he swam to shore.

He got out of the water and walked up the beach, surprised. "Why are you up so early?" It was hours before they had to go.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

He shrugged. Most days his eyes would naturally open early, then close again when he didn't have to get up, his arms wrapped around Jim for another couple hours of sleep, dead to the world. But this morning Jim wasn't there for him to snuggle up with - and it wasn't the first time. Bones had noticed the irregular sleeping patterns, just like the way more food was ending up in the recycler rather than inside Jim.

But harping on the problems never helped, so Bones sat and waited for Jim to open up to him about what was bothering him. "It's pretty out here."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim sat down beside Bones, ignoring the sand sticking to his wet skin. "It's nice, when it feels like you're the only person in the world." He gave a little smile. "Specially with the sun rising." He had a feeling he knew why Bones was up, but bringing it up didn't help anything.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Reaching out, he pushed a tendril of wet hair off Jim's forehead. "That's something I miss being up there. The sunrise," he pointed up. The beach here was nice too. Not quite private, not like their little corner of paradise out there on Risa. Waiting for them to return, hopefully soon.

"What time things getting started today?" he asked, leaning back on his hands as a warm breeze wafted through his hair - another hot day. Things were moving along quick enough, thank fuck, but this trial couldn't be over fast enough for him.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...couple of hours," Jim murmured, smiling brighter at the touch. "I miss the sun too. Just the feel of it on my skin, it's always nice." His tan was coming back in a very rich way, making his hair even more golden.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"We got time for breakfast then?" Bones asked, sliding back behind Jim. His hands trailed over Jim's shoulders and squeezed, feeling the warmth under his fingertips. "Or you just wanna grab some fruit here, then go get a bigger lunch at the break?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Not really hungry," Jim murmured, closing his eyes at the feeling of the doctor's warm hands on his skin. It felt like he would lose anything he tried to eat right now, so what was the point?

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones leaned forward and pressed his mouth against Jim's shoulder. He tasted like water and sunshine. "Okay," he said, not pushing the issue, despite the gnawing in his own stomach at the idea of Jim not eating right.

He would ask, though, just to see if Jim had anything to say. Bones couldn't not ask, even if he was pretty sure he knew what Jim was going to say. "Anything you wanna talk about?" he asked, absently messing with the back of Jim's hair.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...I called for a closed court today." His voice grew almost tight as he revealed that probably not so surprising idea to Bones. He leaned his head against Bones', knowing like before he would protest. "...You can't come." Not a gentle protest this time, something more like a demand. Bones had already seen him break down, Jim didn't need him to see it again.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

He stiffened behind Jim. "What do you mean, I can't come?" Fuck, he knew what Jim meant, but... no, that didn't mean him, too. It couldn't. They couldn't keep him out.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Council, lawyers, judge, and me. That's all that'll be allowed in the court room." He was tensing up all over again. If he brought Bones, he had no idea if they would let him even come in.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones exhaled loudly. "Well that's fucking great," he muttered, grabbing a pebble and throwing it as hard as he could. "What- you're gonna go in there all by yourself?"

It's not like Jim was a child,that isn't what he was worried about, but fuck, this wasn't part of the deal. Bones was supposed to be there to help, to try, at least, to make this nightmare easier for Jim.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Yea." It was barely even a whisper. He just closed his eyes, not too sure what to do or say. He was pretty sure that if he brought Bones and wanted him there, they would let him in.

He knew he was going to break down in some way during this.

Fuck, he didn't even know if he was making the right choice.

His hand throbbed, and he flexed it hard.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Shit. All he needed now was for Jim to close down even more, go inside his head. Pulling Jim back toward him, back to chest, Bones reached his arms around and laced his fingers together against Jim's stomach. He dropped his head down to Jim's neck and took a deep breath. "You know what you're gonna say?" he whispered in his warm skin.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim shook his head a little, closing his eyes as well. "I keep going over shit in my head, but it never sounds right. Just going to go in there and say whatever comes to my head then. Seems to always end up working out best for me in the end anyway."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

He kissed Jim's temple. "Yeah." Fuck, this was the day he was dreading. Even more than getting called himself, should that happen - he was able to separate the doctor part of him when he needed to, like reading a medical report.

But... he didn't like thinking of those days, when Jim was returned from the Narada, broken and beaten. He looked down and could see Jim's hand, flexing and straightening. He took it in his own hands, rubbing gently at the fingers. "I wish... I hate that you're going alone. I wish I could be there with you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Why?" Jim's voice was barely above a whisper. The bones hurt, even the rubbing felt almost painful until it started to loosen the cramping. "Dammit, my hand hurts."

He looked to Bones, shaking his head. "Why would you wanna be there? Why... I'll have to keep testifying, no matter what. They need to know the whole story."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones laughed a little, under his breath as he worked through the joints on Jim's hand. "You still don't get it, do you. I wanna be there for you, even..." he nosed the back of Jim's neck, "even if its just sitting there next to you. Supporting you. Showing those fucks that I believe you, I'm on your side, even when it feels like no one else in the world is."

He chuckled again, this time holding Jim a little tighter. "You and me, remember?" Fuck, when did he get this corny? "It isn't about hearing what you have to say. I just don't want you to be alone, ever."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

It almost hurt to listen to Bones, the strength of those words. It was something no one could understand, not even Jim whose life had turned out so differently than his own. After George's death, to the minutes of his birth, he had ended up so alone. Only Sam had been there, until that fateful day that had left him utterly alone. It was how he became the man he was, getting over the depths of that and walking through life unaided.

Until the day fate had seen fit to have him meet an older Captain and one very drunk doctor.

"I can't let them see that weakness," Jim whispered, admitting something from somewhere deep in his chest. "Starfleet can't see that. Even if it isn't humans, captains are supposed to be perfect. They'll take away the Enterprise," her crew, his life, their lives, "if they think I can't handle it."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"No one's taking the Enterprise away from you," Bones told him, twisting around to look Jim full in the face. "What happened to you with Nero, you took it, Jim. You survived it, and you moved on. No one can ask more from you than that."

It wasn't just that Jim didn't want Starfleet to see the weakness - he didn't want Bones to see it either, Bones knew that now. He almost understood, might have felt the same way himself, preferring to do it alone. Didn't make it easier.

"Can I come, just wait in the hall or something?" he asked, wishing he didn't sound so needy.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Dammit, Bones." Jim shook his head, meeting those worried, dark eyes. "Ever since I got the Enterprise, since all this shit began, you know they've been looking for an excuse for me to fail. That's why they couldn't believe our reports about the people coming from other universes. Why Pike and Ephram ended up being on the ship. You know the fights I've been having with them trying to keep this crew together, keep them from treating everyone like a lab experiment." He leaned forward, pressing his head to Bones' shoulder.

Things he told no one else. A constant fear until Starfleet decided to stop this, decided to trust his reports. He sighed slowly, shaking his head. "I don't know. Don't know. I don't even know how I'm going to get through this. My hand hurts... kind of wished we left those damn tattoos on my face, make the counsel understand. Shock 'em."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"But you haven't failed, not at anything. All the shit that's happened on board, all these people that showed up - they can't fault you for anything." Bones ran this thumb over Jim's cheekbone. "Fuck, I defy them to find someone who would be as accepting, who'd have things running as smoothly, given all the circumstances."

"They got copies of all the pertinent medical records, Jim. Not - nothing we got locked down, nothing from the past. Just the stuff about what happened to you and your dad, that they need to see." Dozens of fractured bones, garish ink tattooed into massive tracts of Jim's skin, George's chest sliced open, infected with toxins. Sometimes words didn't present a full picture, but in this case, reading the medical report was just horrifying as the accompanying video evidence Bones had submitted. "They'll be plenty shocked."