[Meeting of the Minds] -- [Jim and Jim]

[kirktastic]

To: Jim (original_fine)

Jim, remember that non-office talk we said we needed to have? You busy? Mind if I come see you?

JTK

Kirk sent off the message and slumped back into his bed, closing his eyes. He had some questions for Jim... about his relationship with Spock. and definitely some about being a girl. Even though last night had been long (though coming home... amazing). Bones definitely knew how to make a guy feel even better about coming home.

Comments

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"I think that's a stretch," Jim protested. "I haven't had to deal with it--and believe me, the very idea is horrifying--but that seems a little harsh. Though you can rest assured, if Spock had to deal with it, she would, with complete equanimity."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I didn't say all women, just some," He took a long drink of the cold tea. "So what's it like?" ...His mind conjured up some very interesting imagery. "Have you done it with Spock? McCoy?"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim thought that was medically spurious, but maybe Kirk would learn.

"Oh, I've made a thorough study," Jim grinned. "It's great. Not better, not worse. But I haven't been unsatisfied."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Oh come on! Details, Jim, details!" Kirk tapped the table with a laugh, "Don't torture me!"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim's eyebrows rose.

"My, aren't you curious? Maybe you should see if Scotty can switch you around. We could market it. Hmm. I will say that there are plenty of things lesbians can do together, and that I am impressed by the suppleness and lubricating ability of my female parts. Further, not to discredit the girl-on-girl experience, two dicks simultaneously engaged are pretty fucking amazing."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"..."

Kirk's brows rose slowly until his jaw dropped open.

"First off... you sound like Spock," His grin was growing, "Who was it!? Who got you at the same time?" Leaning forward, "What's it feel like? Come on, I'll never get to ask someone this again." He was just about laughing, half teasing.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim laughed. "I'm just trying to deliver information efficiently," he said. "And what you mean is, who did I get at the same time. Len and Bill." His eyes more or less glazed over at the memory. "It was amazing, Jim. Feeling them both, them feeling one another--well, I'm sure you know that part."

He raised an eyebrow, teasing. "And you could ask, you know, a real girl."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk shook his head, "Bill. My lost cause," He lamented with an overexaggeration. "I tried to get with him... but he said Len wouldn't let him. My heart! It's broken!" He put a hand over his chest dramatically, then laughed.

"You don't ask women this sort of stuff!"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim cocked his head, watching Kirk. He highly doubted that was how it'd gone down. Though he could imagine Bill being a little confusing about his refusal. "Is that what he said?" he asked, surprised. "Len's not exactly the jealous type. You sure Bill wasn't trying to just... let you down easy?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk's fakery snapped to a close and he raised a brow at Jim. He shook his head, "He was definitely into it until he seemed to get an itch of concern.." But that did but a hesitation in his voice.

No, sure of it. "Something about Len not having agreed to it first?"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim smiled slowly. "I'm guessing that was pretty early in their relationship?" he prompted. "Jim. I rejected Gaila because I didn't know how Spock would respond. We hadn't talked about any of that. I felt like shit, she felt like shit, and I couldn't even explain why it all of a sudden seemed important to be up front about it. I'm sure it had nothing to do with Len denying him anything, and I'm sure he was enjoying it. But we've all got a right to say no if it doesn't feel right."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk shook his head, "I hope you don't think I'm like, angry he said no, or that I'd deny him that. I was just making a comment." He thought about it, and laughed, "I'm not sure I could have ever denied Gaila anything she wanted!"

His expression went a touch more serious, "...Actually, Jim..." He sighed, "That's sort of something I wanted to talk to you about. About... you, and Spock and McCoy, and how.. they handle you and sex and stuff."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim was somewhat grateful Kirk had dropped it; he wasn't entirely comfortable discussing someone else's sex life.

His own, on the other hand...

"What do you mean?" he asked. "That's some interesting phrasing. You mean... how I run around, as it were?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Yea," Kirk looked up to Jim with a sigh, "Are they... do they... care? That you run around?" His expression was odd.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Odd, maybe, but not unreadable under the circumstances.

"Bones not taking it well?" he asked gently.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Sigh. "...Not really. I think. It's... confusing. He's not happy about it but... he knew I did when we got together. But then when I offer to change, he tells me not to." He slid a hand over his face.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim shifted, leaning forward in concern.

"That is a problem," he acknowledged. "And maybe he knew, but didn't know. Not how he'd feel about it. And maybe he senses that you're offering just to make him happy." He shrugged. "Maybe you are, and you're okay with that. But maybe he's afraid you'll resent that choice. Or blame him."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

He looked up, frowning, "I just want to make him happy. And..." He slumped in his chair, "It gets worse. He's... he wants.... someone else."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim's eyebrows rose. "I know," he said. "But... wait. He does?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...yea." He didn't even know how to say it, so he just spat it out, "Sam."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Okay, that was a new wrinkle.

"Your brother?" he said unnecessarily. "Wants him how?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"He says... he cares about Sam. They kissed they... I don't know if they've gone farther but..." His head dropped back down to his hands. "Bones isn't the 'fuck, have fun, see you later' type. He's the... cares deeply to have sex type."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

This was more complicated than Jim had thought. How did they get themselves into this mess?

"So am I, if it comes to it," Jim said. "Not in some eternal way, and yeah, I've had my share of one-night stands. But it's rarely just physical with me. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I feel that connection. For whatever reason, casual just doesn't mean unimportant for me."

He sighed.

"I can't begin to understand what Bones is thinking or feeling. But I do know that the only way I've ever been able to make any relationship work is for both people to be on the same page. I don't mean they have to have the same standards, or both have to be sleeping around. But everyone involved needs to be okay with what everyone else is doing. Really okay, or it just doesn't work. And even then, there are often rules, and the necessity of communication. It sounds like McCoy isn't really reconciled to your behavior. But it also sounds like you're not giving him the same benefit of the doubt you're asking of him. And that implies to me that you're not communicating."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"We try to communicate," Kirk slid a hand through his hair, feeling frustrated already, "I even talked to Sam and said.. that it was okay. But it isn't, and I'm a giant fucking hypocrite." The frustration was clear in his voice. "Bones said, on Risa when we made this.... official, that I was enough for him. Maybe I'm a selfish bastard, but the idea that I'm not enough for him suddenly? Like I'm not doing enough for him that he needs someone else? That's..."

Slump. "That's a weird feeling. At the same time, it's just... part of who I am." A glance up, "Who we are. It's just... natural. I offered to change that for him, even if I wouldn't be happy with it, but that's evidently not enough. I don't... get it. Every time we try to talk about, it just... never ends well. We don't leave the room, we still go to sleep together, everything seems fine in the morning... but... but..."

His expression crumbled, and his eyes squeezed shut. This was killing him, this problem. He wanted to make it right, wanted Bones to be happy. "S'Why I said it was okay to Sam. Cuz it'd make Bones happier. Doesn't help I punched Sam in the face when I found out."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim tried to remain calm--someone had to. Luckily this wasn't his issue, and he could afford some distance. Not that he knew the solution.

"It sounds to me," he said, "like you're both saying things are 'fine' without either of you really feeling it. You're offering to change, when you really don't want to. And he knows that. And now you think he's changed, in a way you don't like, though it was okay for you to have that. The thing is, Jim, if you aren't happy with how you've had to change for him? Then he won't be happy. And vice versa. You need to think long and hard about what's important to you, and you both need to be brutally honest with each other. And it might hurt. At some point, both of you are going to have a find a compromise you're actually happy with."

Or realize it wasn't working. Or keep hurting each other.

"I can't pretend to know what McCoy gets, or wants, from Sam. And at the risk of painting your situation with my own brush... sex has never been as important to me as the happiness of my loved ones. I'm not telling you what to do, or what the solution is. Obviously I've found one that's the best of both worlds, for me. But I'd give everyone else up in a heartbeat, if that's what they needed. And they know that."