[Meeting of the Minds] -- [Jim and Jim]

[kirktastic]

To: Jim (original_fine)

Jim, remember that non-office talk we said we needed to have? You busy? Mind if I come see you?

JTK

Kirk sent off the message and slumped back into his bed, closing his eyes. He had some questions for Jim... about his relationship with Spock. and definitely some about being a girl. Even though last night had been long (though coming home... amazing). Bones definitely knew how to make a guy feel even better about coming home.

Comments

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk shook his head, "Bill. My lost cause," He lamented with an overexaggeration. "I tried to get with him... but he said Len wouldn't let him. My heart! It's broken!" He put a hand over his chest dramatically, then laughed.

"You don't ask women this sort of stuff!"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim cocked his head, watching Kirk. He highly doubted that was how it'd gone down. Though he could imagine Bill being a little confusing about his refusal. "Is that what he said?" he asked, surprised. "Len's not exactly the jealous type. You sure Bill wasn't trying to just... let you down easy?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk's fakery snapped to a close and he raised a brow at Jim. He shook his head, "He was definitely into it until he seemed to get an itch of concern.." But that did but a hesitation in his voice.

No, sure of it. "Something about Len not having agreed to it first?"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim smiled slowly. "I'm guessing that was pretty early in their relationship?" he prompted. "Jim. I rejected Gaila because I didn't know how Spock would respond. We hadn't talked about any of that. I felt like shit, she felt like shit, and I couldn't even explain why it all of a sudden seemed important to be up front about it. I'm sure it had nothing to do with Len denying him anything, and I'm sure he was enjoying it. But we've all got a right to say no if it doesn't feel right."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk shook his head, "I hope you don't think I'm like, angry he said no, or that I'd deny him that. I was just making a comment." He thought about it, and laughed, "I'm not sure I could have ever denied Gaila anything she wanted!"

His expression went a touch more serious, "...Actually, Jim..." He sighed, "That's sort of something I wanted to talk to you about. About... you, and Spock and McCoy, and how.. they handle you and sex and stuff."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim was somewhat grateful Kirk had dropped it; he wasn't entirely comfortable discussing someone else's sex life.

His own, on the other hand...

"What do you mean?" he asked. "That's some interesting phrasing. You mean... how I run around, as it were?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Yea," Kirk looked up to Jim with a sigh, "Are they... do they... care? That you run around?" His expression was odd.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Odd, maybe, but not unreadable under the circumstances.

"Bones not taking it well?" he asked gently.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Sigh. "...Not really. I think. It's... confusing. He's not happy about it but... he knew I did when we got together. But then when I offer to change, he tells me not to." He slid a hand over his face.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim shifted, leaning forward in concern.

"That is a problem," he acknowledged. "And maybe he knew, but didn't know. Not how he'd feel about it. And maybe he senses that you're offering just to make him happy." He shrugged. "Maybe you are, and you're okay with that. But maybe he's afraid you'll resent that choice. Or blame him."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

He looked up, frowning, "I just want to make him happy. And..." He slumped in his chair, "It gets worse. He's... he wants.... someone else."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim's eyebrows rose. "I know," he said. "But... wait. He does?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...yea." He didn't even know how to say it, so he just spat it out, "Sam."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Okay, that was a new wrinkle.

"Your brother?" he said unnecessarily. "Wants him how?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"He says... he cares about Sam. They kissed they... I don't know if they've gone farther but..." His head dropped back down to his hands. "Bones isn't the 'fuck, have fun, see you later' type. He's the... cares deeply to have sex type."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

This was more complicated than Jim had thought. How did they get themselves into this mess?

"So am I, if it comes to it," Jim said. "Not in some eternal way, and yeah, I've had my share of one-night stands. But it's rarely just physical with me. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I feel that connection. For whatever reason, casual just doesn't mean unimportant for me."

He sighed.

"I can't begin to understand what Bones is thinking or feeling. But I do know that the only way I've ever been able to make any relationship work is for both people to be on the same page. I don't mean they have to have the same standards, or both have to be sleeping around. But everyone involved needs to be okay with what everyone else is doing. Really okay, or it just doesn't work. And even then, there are often rules, and the necessity of communication. It sounds like McCoy isn't really reconciled to your behavior. But it also sounds like you're not giving him the same benefit of the doubt you're asking of him. And that implies to me that you're not communicating."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"We try to communicate," Kirk slid a hand through his hair, feeling frustrated already, "I even talked to Sam and said.. that it was okay. But it isn't, and I'm a giant fucking hypocrite." The frustration was clear in his voice. "Bones said, on Risa when we made this.... official, that I was enough for him. Maybe I'm a selfish bastard, but the idea that I'm not enough for him suddenly? Like I'm not doing enough for him that he needs someone else? That's..."

Slump. "That's a weird feeling. At the same time, it's just... part of who I am." A glance up, "Who we are. It's just... natural. I offered to change that for him, even if I wouldn't be happy with it, but that's evidently not enough. I don't... get it. Every time we try to talk about, it just... never ends well. We don't leave the room, we still go to sleep together, everything seems fine in the morning... but... but..."

His expression crumbled, and his eyes squeezed shut. This was killing him, this problem. He wanted to make it right, wanted Bones to be happy. "S'Why I said it was okay to Sam. Cuz it'd make Bones happier. Doesn't help I punched Sam in the face when I found out."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim tried to remain calm--someone had to. Luckily this wasn't his issue, and he could afford some distance. Not that he knew the solution.

"It sounds to me," he said, "like you're both saying things are 'fine' without either of you really feeling it. You're offering to change, when you really don't want to. And he knows that. And now you think he's changed, in a way you don't like, though it was okay for you to have that. The thing is, Jim, if you aren't happy with how you've had to change for him? Then he won't be happy. And vice versa. You need to think long and hard about what's important to you, and you both need to be brutally honest with each other. And it might hurt. At some point, both of you are going to have a find a compromise you're actually happy with."

Or realize it wasn't working. Or keep hurting each other.

"I can't pretend to know what McCoy gets, or wants, from Sam. And at the risk of painting your situation with my own brush... sex has never been as important to me as the happiness of my loved ones. I'm not telling you what to do, or what the solution is. Obviously I've found one that's the best of both worlds, for me. But I'd give everyone else up in a heartbeat, if that's what they needed. And they know that."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"But half the problem is... we're not... we..." He took a slow breath, and tried again. Only Bones, indirectly or not, could get him flustered like this, "Half the problem is Spock. And I guess Uhura too. When we're with them... it's not... weird. It feels right. He won't even talk about them, not really... like, how can he be okay with me being with them, but not other people? What about you and Spock? I mean, both of us were with you guys! I offered to give up sex to make him happy, isn't that what I just said? I offered to give them up. Isn't that obvious? That I l-- ...love him enough to do that? No one else in this universe or another other would I do that. And then does offering that include Spock, Uhura, you, and Spock? I keep trying to bring it up with him but we just end up in a shouting match..."

His whole body slumped as he got that all out. "In every other thing, it's... it's what I want. He's what I need. Just this one... albeit kinda large topic... is everything feeling so awkward now. Is this what a relationship is supposed to be?"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"There's no rules for what a relationship is supposed to be," Jim pointed out. "But if at all possible, it should work for everyone involved. You say you love him enough to give up the others. But you admit to me that you won't like it--McCoy knows that. And he's not willing to be the one you resent. If you make a choice like that, Jim, you have to mean it. I think part of the reason McCoy and Spock are okay with my behavior is they know I meant it, when I offered. If I knew I'd be with no one else the rest of my life, I'd still consider myself the luckiest man in the galaxy. The rest... It's not that I don't care, but it's not worth my relationship. I don't think you're at a point where you truly mean it."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk sighed and rested forward on his elbows, thinking about it. "So you end up with everything you want. Two people who love you, and you still get to go around and do whatever you want." ...There was definitely some jealousy in there, something he couldn't help. I wouldn't even care about the whole Sam thing if I knew the sex wasn't... so important with Bones. I don't care about him having sex with other people, it's..."

How the hell could he explain it? That he didn't want Bones loving someone else? Was it wrong to be selfish about that?

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim spread his hands.

"Do you want me to defend myself, Jim? I don't know what Bones is thinking. I don't know what's between him and Sam. I can't tell you whether to be worried, or... I just don't know. But it seems clear that there's something you two need to work out."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk just gave Jim a very odd look, "Defend yourself from what? I was just stating the truth. And no kidding this is something we need to work out... I just wanted to know how you three were doing. That it can work."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim sighed. Kirk had seemed almost resentful of his own relationship. Which Jim could, in a way, understand.

"It works for us," he said. "Or it has, so far. I don't know, Jim. I try to keep an eye on things, to check in and make sure everyone's still on the same page. Because things could change. If one or both of them decided that something I was doing was making them unhappy, the fact it didn't seem to be a problem before wouldn't matter. They're my top priority." He shrugged. "I'm sure there's a solution for you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk studied Jim silently, looking beyond the female form before saying quietly, "If they asked you to never have sex with anyone but them, ever again, would... could you do it? What about flirting?" Maybe it was asking about the will power of himself in a way people usually couldn't; he'd actually get an answer like this.