[Meeting of the Minds] -- [Jim and Jim]

[kirktastic]

To: Jim (original_fine)

Jim, remember that non-office talk we said we needed to have? You busy? Mind if I come see you?

JTK

Kirk sent off the message and slumped back into his bed, closing his eyes. He had some questions for Jim... about his relationship with Spock. and definitely some about being a girl. Even though last night had been long (though coming home... amazing). Bones definitely knew how to make a guy feel even better about coming home.

Comments

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk just gave Jim a very odd look, "Defend yourself from what? I was just stating the truth. And no kidding this is something we need to work out... I just wanted to know how you three were doing. That it can work."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim sighed. Kirk had seemed almost resentful of his own relationship. Which Jim could, in a way, understand.

"It works for us," he said. "Or it has, so far. I don't know, Jim. I try to keep an eye on things, to check in and make sure everyone's still on the same page. Because things could change. If one or both of them decided that something I was doing was making them unhappy, the fact it didn't seem to be a problem before wouldn't matter. They're my top priority." He shrugged. "I'm sure there's a solution for you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk studied Jim silently, looking beyond the female form before saying quietly, "If they asked you to never have sex with anyone but them, ever again, would... could you do it? What about flirting?" Maybe it was asking about the will power of himself in a way people usually couldn't; he'd actually get an answer like this.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

There was no question, for Jim, whether he could or not. He'd made these decisions before, both in favor of relationships and for the sake of command. In fact, his attitude towards sex and relationships had been largely shaped by early experiences with lovers who had opened him up to a more liberal view of things.

But it was clear that Kirk had a question. So Jim tried to answer as honestly as possible.

"I could," he said with conviction. "I have. I had a rule for myself, imposed shortly after I first took command. No fraternizing with the crew--which meant, Jim, that there were long stretches in there with only my hand for company. If they asked? I'd still be having 100% more sex than I had been. It'd take some self-control, some reminding of myself. But I have no doubt I'd be able to handle that.

"At to flirting," Jim smirked, "that's more difficult. I've been accused of flirting as easily as breathing. I'm not sure where the line is, exactly."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim had, if Kirk was right, about ten years on him. It was himself in ten years, sort of. At least, parts of him. He took the words in, thinking before he asked, "How old were you exactly when you became Captain?"

He had other thoughts running in the back of his head, but that needed to be answered first.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"Thirty-one," Jim said. "Why?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Did people come onto you? Did they ask you for sex?" It was more than just his issues with Bones... he was asking advice from another Captain about how to be a better one. He'd basically fucked over that 'no fraternization' from day one, thanks to Bones...

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"Sure," Jim said, as if reconciled to the fact that people did ask him for sex fairly regularly--directly or not. "And I pissed off not a few of my crew, at first, until they understood I wasn't available. But in the end, I think it made things easier. For me. I don't know what it'll be like when we go back, but at the time I needed freedom from emotional and political entanglements."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes, "I don't know what's the limit... if... hell. I just... that's the kinda person I've always been. You know? The person Bones knew, and came to be friends with and... fell in love with. I guess... a part of me's angry, ya know? Like, what gives him the right to tell me that I should stop? ...Same time, I want to make him happy. And the other way around... is he right that if I do it, he should be able to even if he said he didn't need it and has never been that time kinda, or am I a giant hypocrite for even being ticked?"

He slid a hand over his face, "...I don't understand this relationship stuff."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim chuckled. "No one ever does," he said. "Look, Jim, I don't know. I don't know what's right for you, or how our histories shaped us differently, exactly. After... when I came back, from 14 till a few years into the Academy, I was shut down. Entirely. I dated girls, and I had sex with them. But I was a model boyfriend. Not much fun, either, and not very original. I had to open up again, to find myself. Sounds like you took a different path, and that's no better or worse. But I don't think we're fixed as one thing or another, entirely. I think things can change, depending on what we need and what we learn about ourselves. And how we let our pasts shape us. Bones fell in love with you, as you are. And he doesn't have a right to tell you your actions are wrong. But he does have a right to need whatever it is he needs. The trick is figuring out whether you can be that for each other. And how."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...can two people stay together even if one area of their life keeps coming back to haunt them?" Kirk said quietly. "If... somehow this isn't something we can figure out..."

He gritted his teeth, "He makes me happy in everything else. It isn't like I just go out every day and find someone new to fuck. I just... the idea that I couldn't, if I wanted to... I don't get that. Shit, if he wanted to go fuck..." A gesture, vague, "Tina, for all I cared... I wouldn't care. Just had to go and pick my own brother." His lips quirked.

He looked over, "...Sorry I'm dropping this all on you."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"It's fine," Jim assured him. "I just wish I had some easy answers for you. There just aren't any. But I think you need to understand that there's no right or wrong in the sense that monogamy or its opposite are absolutely one or the other. You can't dictate to another person what they should feel about something like that. Whether it seems fair to you or not, whether you'd care if McCoy was off with a different person each week, or night, it doesn't matter if it's not what he needs. I might not understand why, objectively, someone wanted me to be sexually faithful. I may not think it matters. But I do understand that if someone asks that of me, it's because they need it. And whether it's fair is not really up for debate. It's up to me to decide whether that's enough for me or not. Just as it's up to the other person to be up front about what they need. And up to both of us to see if we can figure it out."

He paused for a moment.

"Do you think part of it is what happened to you? Do you think this is just how you are, or how you learned to be? Or do you not want to talk about that?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk hesitated about that last question, frowning, "Don't get what you mean. 'What happened to you'? That covers a lot of ground. I mean... it's just... what I've done for years. I enjoy it. Bones drinks like a fish, I don't rail him on it even if he does it too much."

Pause. "Fuck that came out wrong... I mean, he's got flaws too. I deal with them, still want to be with him, don't feel unhappy about them. They're just a part of who he is. I offered to stop doing it, but that isn't enough. I just.. " He gestured, "This is going full circle, already. I know he isn't me, doesn't feel like I do."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"It's going full circle because there isn't one answer," Jim said. "For whatever reason, you or Bones or both aren't ready to find it yet. At some point, one or the other of you needs to be okay--really, truly okay--with what the other one needs."

At some point, Kirk may need to ask himself if enjoying sex with other people was truly worth losing Bones. Jim didn't think he was there, yet.

"To determine whether the differences between you are like chocolate--nice, but ultimately worth giving up--or air."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Chocolate," Kirk said immediately, "It isn't air. I never said it was. I offered to give it up!" He tried to explain. "I mean, I might not be 100% happy all the time about it, but I offered. You could give up chocolate and not be happy you had to it, but you would for them. I offered the same thing. He wasn't happy with that!" He threw up his hands.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim shook his head. "I know," he said. "I know we've been over it. I know it doesn't make much sense to you, but if I can sense you're unhappy about it, you can be sure Bones can. And that, I think, is the thing. If he thinks you're forcing yourself to do something onerous, just for him, he may fear your eventual resentment. I can't ask Spock not to be logical. He might try to comply, to make me happy, but I'll always know it goes against his nature. I'm just not sure we're the same in this way, Jim. I'm just not sure casual sex is as important to me."

Jim felt like he'd said the same thing over and over, but there wasn't much else he could do. They'd have to work this out for themselves.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk just didn't get it. He sighed, shaking his head. "Maybe another subject instead?" he grinned, just a little. It hurt, but... he'd deal with it. He'd talk to Bones. He had an angle to talk to him about it, now.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim cocked his head.

"Like what?" he asked, wondering what Kirk would come up with.