[Cabin, Risa] -- [Kirk and Bones]

[kirktastic]

Kirk came back from the beach still damp but uncaring. He pulled up to the cabin, hesitating only long enough to make sure the leather seat of the cycle was dried before he went to find Bones. There was a lot they needed to talk about. More then he thought he wanted to, but knew he had to.

"Bones?"

Comments

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"What the fuck, you didn't have any problem about it when I talked about it before." Kirk snapped, anger bubbling up in him. What the hell problem did Bones suddenly have?!

This... wasn't the way he thought this would go, from how Jim had talked on the beach. He just wanted to talk to Bones...

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Doesn't mean I like having my nose rubbed in it," he replied back just as sharply. "I mean, fuck, Jim... what about that is so hard to understand?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

A sharp breath in, and Kirk's fingers fisted at his side. "Fuck, Bones, you're the one who asked me what I was doing, what my problems were!" His teeth showed a little, unable to stop himself from rising to the challenge.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Well then I guess I'm sorry I asked. My fault, all of it," he sneered. "I thought maybe it was something I could help with, or I dunno, take care of for you."

He shook his head, turning away again. "Sorry, I can't help much with awkward experiences you might run into when you're off fuckin' around."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

A slow breath in, and everything caved in hot and thick in his stomach. "You knew who I was, who I am, Bones. You're the one that chose me. Yea, I fucked Jim before."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I know who you are," he said back just as fast, swallowing the hurt that was building up inside him. "And I know what you do. I know."

He looked back up at Jim for a moment, then outside again. "I just thought I'd have a couple more days before I had to deal with it, Jim," he said with a shrug, his voice sort of dead.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"That's not gonna make it any better..." Kirk just turned away entirely, feeling it, feeling it dissolving in his hands. Everything. "I don't get you. You know it won't be any different later, I'm still gonna be me, and you fucking... you start THIS..."

This was why he didn't want to get into this. This was why he didn't want to get into a relationship. This was why he wasn't supposed to have them.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Have I asked you to change?" Bones turned back to him. "Have I asked you to do one damned thing different?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...you're pissed off because I slept with Jim. That's asking me to change if I wanna be with you because the last thing I want you to be is unhappy." Was all Kirk said, so very softly.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it was different for Jim. Sex wasn't the same thing for Jim. He'd heard all this before...

Didn't want to make him unhappy... Bones stared back at him incredulously. Jim honestly didn't understand where he was coming from.

Well, fuck this shit. "And you want me not to be pissed. Okay. You win. You want to talk? Let's talk." Bones walked back to the bed, and sat down. "C'mon, talk about it, tell me everything." The look on his face was calm, almost placid. "Who else have you fucked since we've been here?" he asked, conversationally. "Anyone I know? Was it any good?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

So, so confused. The anger fell out of him, mutating into a pure honest confusion. Kirk didn't understand relationships. He didn't do them, didn't deal with them, but for Bones... he had been trying. Was trying, right now, standing here trying to do this instead of running. That was what he was supposed to do, right?

So, he did what he thought was right - and told the truth. "Since we got here? You, and Marlena, and curled up against Spock but we had our clothes on."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Marlena?

Well fuck. Bones sighed, looking down at his feet. He'd known it was coming, known that it was going to happen. Planned for it, hardened himself against whatever natural inclinations he had, namely to beat the shit out of Jim and then go drown himself in that ocean out there. No, he wasn't going to do that.

Instead Bones walked to his travel bag, found the bottle of Beam he'd brought along but hadn't yet touched on this trip. Daddy'd been a Johnny Walker guy, but Bones drank Beam, straight from the bottle on the really good days, like this...

One look back at Jim, and he headed outside. He sat down on the deck, took a long pull, and stared out into the water.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Every person in Kirk's life left him. That, without a shadow of doubt, was fact. Everyone left. No one stayed. Everyone left. Relationships shattered because of words, thoughts, anything. James T. Kirk didn't let himself into relationships. Avoided anything long term, because people left.

People always would leave you alone.

And now here he was, standing alone in the place he had wanted to make a tiny piece of paradise for them. He had tried. Bones was the one that he came home to, wanted to spend time with, goof off in the ocean and sleep on the sand and shower with. He opened himself, because it was Bones. Bones would never hurt him. Supported him.

Then why did it feel like his chest was being ripped open?

Kirk stood there in the shadows of their supposed paradise, alone.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

He couldn't look at Jim, not yet. It wasn't the kid's fault, but there was no way right now he could explain that to Jim, because fuck, it did hurt.

He'd come to terms with how this was going to be. He'd steeled himself inside for what was going to happen.

He knew Jim better than anyone else in this or any other universe. He knew how precious these days had been, knew that Jim had never done anything like this with anyone. He'd broken through so many barriers with this kid... Jim didn't spend the night with lovers. Jim didn't have relationships. Jim didn't fuck the same person more than a couple times before it got old. Jim didn't look at other people like he looked at him.

Jim didn't need anyone, except him - Bones knew that. And that, more than anything else, gave him that one piece of hope to hang on to, that he was more important than all the other people that drifted in and out of Jim's life. He'd always be there, and he knew, without words being said between them, that Jim was counting on that.

Having Jim, even on Jim's terms, was better than not having him at all.

"You remember when I said that I was ready for you?," he asked, still looking out to the water. "This is what I meant. That I was ready to do this, no matter what, full in the knowledge that this is what would happen. I knew it would be like this," he continued, turning to look at Jim, seeing only shadows. "And I know its going to be like this, as long as we're together." There was a long pause. "And I still want it, if you do."

"I still want you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk listened to those words in silence, turning and leaning slowly against the doorway. He doesn't know how to do this. How people seemed to make up to their boyfriends and girlfriends when fights were over, how fights even worked. He avoided them, and he remembered why as his chest ached like it was being squeezed.

"...what if I don't want to keep doing this?" His voice sounded flat, even to his own ears. "...what if I don't want to hear you get angry, see you in pain, watch you walk away?" Too vulnerable. Too shattered sounding. Weak. A Kirk was not weak.

He didn't want to know the answers to his own questions. Bones said he was ready... then everything he did was the opposite of that.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"What do you want me to say? That I'm alright with it? That I don't mind?" he asked quietly. "I'm not gonna say that. Maybe if I were one of those dammed Vulcans I could logically express to you that I know what we mean to each other, that I know its different for you with me, that whether your man enough or not to admit it you feel something for me and that's enough."

He paused, his breath catching as he spoke too fast. "That knowing that what we have is special and one of a kind and none of those other people you fuck are gonna matter to you like I do. I know that, Jim," he growled. "I accept it. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I like it."

Bones took another long drink. He never thought or talked this much at one time in his damned life. "I don't know how to define us, and I'm not sure I want to. I know I want you, in my life, in my bed. I want to talk to you when I'm tired and upset, and I want to be happy with you when things are good. "

Another pause, another drink. "I want to sit and close my eyes and think of you and know that we belong to each other. If you can tell me what that's called, I'll call it that. I sure as hell don't know. I want to know we have each other. I mean, we've always had each other, but... I want to know I have more. I need to know that with us, it's more."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

There was absolute silence in the cabin. Kirk stood there, not moving, barely even breathing. He didn't understand. Why did Bones want to do this? It made no sense. If this hurt Bones, to know he was having sex with other people, why did he just want to be hurt again and again?

In his mind, Bones was asking him to change.

The silence stretched, into infinity, before he spoke again. "...I'm still here, aren't I?" Not even sure if Bones would hear it. His voice sounded pathetic. Wanted to leave, climb on the cycle and go find a bar and drink this conversation away.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

One more swallow. Enough. Bones poured what was left of the bourbon into the sand, then dropped the bottle at his feet.

He stood, the alcohol rushing to his head. Too much, too fast. Two steps toward the door and he was next to Jim, who looked half-dead. "Yeah," he finally said, after an age. "...'m still here too." One hand reached out to fist Jim's shirt.

Too many words, he'd said too much. Hadn't said that much to Jocelyn, watching her walk out the door with his daughter. Didn't fight. He'd just ran. "Not running away this time, Jim." Looking down, it hurt to much to look at him. "I need you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The fist in his shirt made every part of Kirk tighten up, ready for the fight that was coming. The words, though, took a lot of his own fight out. Bones could have decked him right there and he wouldn't have fought. "...I don't understand." He admitted, lifting his eyes to look at the man holding to. "I don't... understand you."

Why? Why would Bones hurt? Was this a way to force him into changing?

"Why need me? You need me like a bullet to the head. It hurts you... if I'm with someone else, even when its you I come home to."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Mccoy took a step closer, breathing hard now. Jim was staring at him, that wounded animal look in his eye, that same look he'd had so long ago when they first met after the shuttle (http://dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com/14451.html#cutid1). Don't trust you, the look said, then and now.

One more step and he was too close. Bones pressed his forehead to Jim's. "Just promise you'll come home to me," he whispered. "...'s all I need."

Bones closed his eyes. He couldn't say any more. Couldn't offer anymore than that.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The strong scent of bourbon was thick in his nostrils, stinging and clouding. Kirk stared at Bones for a breath, then reached out and wrapped his arms around the other's body. He kept their foreheads together, breathing in a hitched sound. "I always have." He whispered quietly. "Don't want to come home to anyone else. Just you."

Kirk wanted to ask, wanted to prod and probe until he understood this. For all of his wiles and intelligence, none of this made a lick of sense. Why was Bones acting like this, wanting this, acting so broken...

How could he put the pieces back together?

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

It was enough. Bones sighed, Jim's arms around wrapping around him. Probably more than Jim'd ever given to anyone else, and Bones knew it. He'd known being with Jim would hurt, but he also knew the good times would make up for the not-so-good things.

He'd hadn't counted on Jim's confusion, lack-of-understanding, his wariness. Didn't quite believe Bones. Doesn't trust me.

It balanced out, he guessed, pulling Jim so close to him it hurt to breathe. Two broken people, holding onto each other, the pieces not quite fitting.

Couldn't be perfect, that was too much to hope for - everything had a price. For them to have each other, they'd both have to hurt about it, both have to give up what they'd hoped it would be, and accept it for what it was.

Imperfect - like a brilliant diamond with a flaw inside where everyone could see it.

Bones would take imperfect, if it meant having Jim, he thought as he buried his face in the crook of Jim's neck, hands grasping at his back. "Mine. Promise me."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Their bodies were pressed together so tightly Kirk swore he could feel Bones' heart beating against his chest. He tilted his head so he could press his lips against salt-kissed hair and sighed quietly. Do you know what you're asking me? Promise. Mine.

Their ragged edges would maybe never fit fully together, clean and whole, but maybe it wasn't needed. Maybe what they did have was enough. Kirk hated this sort of stuff, this over emotional need he couldn't deny himself having. But at least the only person who would see it was the one person he trusted above all else.

"...been yours since the day you brought me home from the hospital." His voice was rough, trying to make it into a joke, murmured by Bones' ear. His eyes closed, and all he could do for a moment was hope he wasn't going to lose the one friend he knew he had above all others.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"We done talkin' then?" Bones asked, not letting go, not yet. Things were too unstable still, too uncertain, despite their words.

He couldn't let Jim out of him arms, not yet.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"No." Kirk whispered, despite how much it hurt. He thought about the words his counterpart told him on the beach. He needed to know the truth. "Is this gonna happen every time, Bones? What do I do to make it better? Just say nothing at all about anything I do? Tell you? Hint? Be blunt? ...Or... just stop entirely."

The last part had a faintly flat tone to it.