[Cabin, Risa] -- [Kirk and Bones]

[kirktastic]

Kirk came back from the beach still damp but uncaring. He pulled up to the cabin, hesitating only long enough to make sure the leather seat of the cycle was dried before he went to find Bones. There was a lot they needed to talk about. More then he thought he wanted to, but knew he had to.

"Bones?"

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[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

He couldn't look at Jim, not yet. It wasn't the kid's fault, but there was no way right now he could explain that to Jim, because fuck, it did hurt.

He'd come to terms with how this was going to be. He'd steeled himself inside for what was going to happen.

He knew Jim better than anyone else in this or any other universe. He knew how precious these days had been, knew that Jim had never done anything like this with anyone. He'd broken through so many barriers with this kid... Jim didn't spend the night with lovers. Jim didn't have relationships. Jim didn't fuck the same person more than a couple times before it got old. Jim didn't look at other people like he looked at him.

Jim didn't need anyone, except him - Bones knew that. And that, more than anything else, gave him that one piece of hope to hang on to, that he was more important than all the other people that drifted in and out of Jim's life. He'd always be there, and he knew, without words being said between them, that Jim was counting on that.

Having Jim, even on Jim's terms, was better than not having him at all.

"You remember when I said that I was ready for you?," he asked, still looking out to the water. "This is what I meant. That I was ready to do this, no matter what, full in the knowledge that this is what would happen. I knew it would be like this," he continued, turning to look at Jim, seeing only shadows. "And I know its going to be like this, as long as we're together." There was a long pause. "And I still want it, if you do."

"I still want you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk listened to those words in silence, turning and leaning slowly against the doorway. He doesn't know how to do this. How people seemed to make up to their boyfriends and girlfriends when fights were over, how fights even worked. He avoided them, and he remembered why as his chest ached like it was being squeezed.

"...what if I don't want to keep doing this?" His voice sounded flat, even to his own ears. "...what if I don't want to hear you get angry, see you in pain, watch you walk away?" Too vulnerable. Too shattered sounding. Weak. A Kirk was not weak.

He didn't want to know the answers to his own questions. Bones said he was ready... then everything he did was the opposite of that.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"What do you want me to say? That I'm alright with it? That I don't mind?" he asked quietly. "I'm not gonna say that. Maybe if I were one of those dammed Vulcans I could logically express to you that I know what we mean to each other, that I know its different for you with me, that whether your man enough or not to admit it you feel something for me and that's enough."

He paused, his breath catching as he spoke too fast. "That knowing that what we have is special and one of a kind and none of those other people you fuck are gonna matter to you like I do. I know that, Jim," he growled. "I accept it. But I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I like it."

Bones took another long drink. He never thought or talked this much at one time in his damned life. "I don't know how to define us, and I'm not sure I want to. I know I want you, in my life, in my bed. I want to talk to you when I'm tired and upset, and I want to be happy with you when things are good. "

Another pause, another drink. "I want to sit and close my eyes and think of you and know that we belong to each other. If you can tell me what that's called, I'll call it that. I sure as hell don't know. I want to know we have each other. I mean, we've always had each other, but... I want to know I have more. I need to know that with us, it's more."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

There was absolute silence in the cabin. Kirk stood there, not moving, barely even breathing. He didn't understand. Why did Bones want to do this? It made no sense. If this hurt Bones, to know he was having sex with other people, why did he just want to be hurt again and again?

In his mind, Bones was asking him to change.

The silence stretched, into infinity, before he spoke again. "...I'm still here, aren't I?" Not even sure if Bones would hear it. His voice sounded pathetic. Wanted to leave, climb on the cycle and go find a bar and drink this conversation away.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

One more swallow. Enough. Bones poured what was left of the bourbon into the sand, then dropped the bottle at his feet.

He stood, the alcohol rushing to his head. Too much, too fast. Two steps toward the door and he was next to Jim, who looked half-dead. "Yeah," he finally said, after an age. "...'m still here too." One hand reached out to fist Jim's shirt.

Too many words, he'd said too much. Hadn't said that much to Jocelyn, watching her walk out the door with his daughter. Didn't fight. He'd just ran. "Not running away this time, Jim." Looking down, it hurt to much to look at him. "I need you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The fist in his shirt made every part of Kirk tighten up, ready for the fight that was coming. The words, though, took a lot of his own fight out. Bones could have decked him right there and he wouldn't have fought. "...I don't understand." He admitted, lifting his eyes to look at the man holding to. "I don't... understand you."

Why? Why would Bones hurt? Was this a way to force him into changing?

"Why need me? You need me like a bullet to the head. It hurts you... if I'm with someone else, even when its you I come home to."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Mccoy took a step closer, breathing hard now. Jim was staring at him, that wounded animal look in his eye, that same look he'd had so long ago when they first met after the shuttle (http://dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com/14451.html#cutid1). Don't trust you, the look said, then and now.

One more step and he was too close. Bones pressed his forehead to Jim's. "Just promise you'll come home to me," he whispered. "...'s all I need."

Bones closed his eyes. He couldn't say any more. Couldn't offer anymore than that.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The strong scent of bourbon was thick in his nostrils, stinging and clouding. Kirk stared at Bones for a breath, then reached out and wrapped his arms around the other's body. He kept their foreheads together, breathing in a hitched sound. "I always have." He whispered quietly. "Don't want to come home to anyone else. Just you."

Kirk wanted to ask, wanted to prod and probe until he understood this. For all of his wiles and intelligence, none of this made a lick of sense. Why was Bones acting like this, wanting this, acting so broken...

How could he put the pieces back together?

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

It was enough. Bones sighed, Jim's arms around wrapping around him. Probably more than Jim'd ever given to anyone else, and Bones knew it. He'd known being with Jim would hurt, but he also knew the good times would make up for the not-so-good things.

He'd hadn't counted on Jim's confusion, lack-of-understanding, his wariness. Didn't quite believe Bones. Doesn't trust me.

It balanced out, he guessed, pulling Jim so close to him it hurt to breathe. Two broken people, holding onto each other, the pieces not quite fitting.

Couldn't be perfect, that was too much to hope for - everything had a price. For them to have each other, they'd both have to hurt about it, both have to give up what they'd hoped it would be, and accept it for what it was.

Imperfect - like a brilliant diamond with a flaw inside where everyone could see it.

Bones would take imperfect, if it meant having Jim, he thought as he buried his face in the crook of Jim's neck, hands grasping at his back. "Mine. Promise me."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Their bodies were pressed together so tightly Kirk swore he could feel Bones' heart beating against his chest. He tilted his head so he could press his lips against salt-kissed hair and sighed quietly. Do you know what you're asking me? Promise. Mine.

Their ragged edges would maybe never fit fully together, clean and whole, but maybe it wasn't needed. Maybe what they did have was enough. Kirk hated this sort of stuff, this over emotional need he couldn't deny himself having. But at least the only person who would see it was the one person he trusted above all else.

"...been yours since the day you brought me home from the hospital." His voice was rough, trying to make it into a joke, murmured by Bones' ear. His eyes closed, and all he could do for a moment was hope he wasn't going to lose the one friend he knew he had above all others.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"We done talkin' then?" Bones asked, not letting go, not yet. Things were too unstable still, too uncertain, despite their words.

He couldn't let Jim out of him arms, not yet.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"No." Kirk whispered, despite how much it hurt. He thought about the words his counterpart told him on the beach. He needed to know the truth. "Is this gonna happen every time, Bones? What do I do to make it better? Just say nothing at all about anything I do? Tell you? Hint? Be blunt? ...Or... just stop entirely."

The last part had a faintly flat tone to it.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Fuck... Jim would want to be responsible now, would want to do the right thing and talk, when all Bones wanted to do was push it back into its little box, tied up and hidden under their bed.

"I don't want to know about it. I don't want to know who, or when, or how great it was, or what sort of things they did, or anything. Just... no." Fuck, why was saying this so hard? "I'm not gonna give you a hard time, I promise. I know what I'm getting myself into, and if you think, fuck, if I start making you feel bad, then you can just kick my ass, alright?"

One more thing, he had to say it now before he chickened out and hated himself forever. "And... no one in your room," he said, his voice almost a whisper, plaintive. "Not in your quarters, not ever. That's for us. Just... take it somewhere else." No way he'd be able to explain to Jim why this was a deal breaker...

He just had to hope that Jim understood, or at least, would throw him this fucking bone.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk brought up a hand and brushed his fingertips over Bones' temple, back through the dark strands of hair just behind it. He let out a sigh, and said quietly, "Hey, just like being back at the academy, right? Mi casa su casa. No one in our quarters. I can do that."

The rest... the rest was a little harder, "Fuck, I'm not gonna be perfect with it, okay? Not the room thing, I mean the... not telling thing. You're telling me that you don't wanna know about it, and... fuck, Bones. I don't want to hurt you!" He gestured, "And this does!"

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Our quarters... Fuck, did Jim even hear himself? As much as that warmed him to hear, the rest sort of bothered him. "Just do your best, and you're gonna have to trust me to be a grown-up," he gruffed about this. "Maybe that's just the price we're gonna have to pay. It's gonna hurt, Jim," he held him by the shoulders. "And you're gonna have to ask yourself if it's worth that hurt."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...I thought this wasn't supposed to hurt." Kirk whispered, sounding younger then his years, staring at Bones. "...I'll... I'll just stop, okay?" That was what Bones wanted to hear, right? What Bones wanted him to do? He'd do anything to keep his friend in his life. Even if it felt alien and wrong to say those words.

He'd rather just bring Bones with him so Bones could watch or be a part of it and they could come home together.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Who says love doesn't hurt, Jim? It hurts like hell, stings like a snakebite and then kicks you when you're down. But when it's good, like it is with us... It's worth the hard times." His voice dropped. "At least, it is to me. You're gonna have to make that decision on your own."

Unfuckingbelievable... "And how long would take before you gave in, felt guilty, and started hating me for changing you. I'm not askin' for that." Bones dropped his hands from Jim's shoulders and sfeped back. "You're scared. You don't think we can do this."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The L-word.

Kirk took the chance to step free, pacing a moment before turning to Bones, gesturing, "What the fuck, Bones?! Don't you get it?! I don't know how to do this! I don't understand how this could fucking work out when you want someone loyal to you and I'm a fucking slut." His fists came down at his side.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut about stuff and I don't want to fuck this up and lose you!"

Wouldn't look at Bones. Couldn't. He'd talked too much. He wasn't drunk. Definitely too sober for this conversation. Wanted to leave. Didn't want to talk about this, had to. "...why... why do they make it work... and we can't?" He whispered to himself, not understanding.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones didn't even hear the last part. There was a roaring in his ears, Jim not listening to him, still not listening to him, still not believing in him.

"Loyal to me? What the fuck is that, Jim?" Slowly walking toward Jim, he kept speaking in a low voice. "You're the one that's been loyal to me for years, the only one that's stuck around me, taken care of me, given me something to live for." Soon he was right next to Jim, hands at his sides. "You are the one that I want, and you know it."

He swallowed hard, one hand rising to lift Jim's chin, just a little, so he could look at him. "You're never gonna lose me," he said, eyes wandering Jim's face, trying to see where that doubt was coming from. Fuck, didn't he even want to take a chance that they'd be fantastic together? "Jim, look at me. You are never gonna lose me."

Their faces were impossibly close, just another step... "But its time to cut this shit out, Jim." His hands moved out to cradle Jim's face - fuck, it might be cheating but he didn't care, Bones was scared as shit Jim was this close to running, and he'd never get this chance again.

"Yes or no - are we gonna try?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Given me something to live for. Bones was the one that gave him something to live for. Had kept his ass in the academy when he was going to be expelled. Kept him from ending up in jail, just as much as Pike's challenge had. Kept him alive. Saved him from being grounded... which would have led to the Enterprise being destroyed.

Those strong, fine hands were cradling his face, just like they had in the shuttle bay. All it would take was an inch or two to press their lips together. Bones telling him that he wouldn't leave. That it would hurt, for them both, but it was worth the good.

Kirk slowly brought up his hands, putting them on either of Bones', gently nudging them around so he could kiss the fingertips. His voice was rough when he answered, and after a moment, he lifted his eyes so their gazes met. "...Never wanted anything more in my whole life, even being captain." His lips quirked in a painfully sad smile, trying to be serious, trying to tell Bones everything without saying it all.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Dark eyes watched Jim's lip touching his fingers, and his heart stopped, stopped right in his chest. The weight of the world, hadn't known it was there, inside him - it slid right off and he felt his stomach flop inside him.

His lips parted, he wanted to speak, to say something, tell him everything he wanted to, everything inside him, something to make Jim understand how much he needed him but fuck, he'd said to damned much already, and-

"Dammit, Jim," he whispered, finally, everything else in his head going blank except Jim, fuck, in his arms and then they were kissing and touching and Bones was holding Jim and pushing him backward, cradling the back of his head as Jim's back hit the wall. Bones pressed Jim into the flat surface, his hands moving, sliding, not staying still, constant motion along Jim's face, his hair, his throat, touching every part of him that he could reach. Had to show him. Couldn't let him go, not for anything.

Nothing else, no one else was more important that this.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Then Bones was in his arms. A grunt slid between them as his back hit the wall, and he matched every bit of that fierce need, but his hands stayed still. They were curled around Bones, holding him, not letting go. Never letting go. They weren't perfect, they never would be. Maybe that was part of what kept them together through everything, because they weren't perfect.

He bent his head down, biting on Bones' neck, growling quietly as he moved his mouth northward, nosing at an ear, across the jaw, finding those lips and stealing Bones' breath away. We'll find a way. We always do. Long as he doesn't leave... I can live.