[Cabin, Risa] -- [Kirk and Bones]

[kirktastic]

Kirk came back from the beach still damp but uncaring. He pulled up to the cabin, hesitating only long enough to make sure the leather seat of the cycle was dried before he went to find Bones. There was a lot they needed to talk about. More then he thought he wanted to, but knew he had to.

"Bones?"

Comments

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"No." Kirk whispered, despite how much it hurt. He thought about the words his counterpart told him on the beach. He needed to know the truth. "Is this gonna happen every time, Bones? What do I do to make it better? Just say nothing at all about anything I do? Tell you? Hint? Be blunt? ...Or... just stop entirely."

The last part had a faintly flat tone to it.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Fuck... Jim would want to be responsible now, would want to do the right thing and talk, when all Bones wanted to do was push it back into its little box, tied up and hidden under their bed.

"I don't want to know about it. I don't want to know who, or when, or how great it was, or what sort of things they did, or anything. Just... no." Fuck, why was saying this so hard? "I'm not gonna give you a hard time, I promise. I know what I'm getting myself into, and if you think, fuck, if I start making you feel bad, then you can just kick my ass, alright?"

One more thing, he had to say it now before he chickened out and hated himself forever. "And... no one in your room," he said, his voice almost a whisper, plaintive. "Not in your quarters, not ever. That's for us. Just... take it somewhere else." No way he'd be able to explain to Jim why this was a deal breaker...

He just had to hope that Jim understood, or at least, would throw him this fucking bone.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk brought up a hand and brushed his fingertips over Bones' temple, back through the dark strands of hair just behind it. He let out a sigh, and said quietly, "Hey, just like being back at the academy, right? Mi casa su casa. No one in our quarters. I can do that."

The rest... the rest was a little harder, "Fuck, I'm not gonna be perfect with it, okay? Not the room thing, I mean the... not telling thing. You're telling me that you don't wanna know about it, and... fuck, Bones. I don't want to hurt you!" He gestured, "And this does!"

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Our quarters... Fuck, did Jim even hear himself? As much as that warmed him to hear, the rest sort of bothered him. "Just do your best, and you're gonna have to trust me to be a grown-up," he gruffed about this. "Maybe that's just the price we're gonna have to pay. It's gonna hurt, Jim," he held him by the shoulders. "And you're gonna have to ask yourself if it's worth that hurt."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...I thought this wasn't supposed to hurt." Kirk whispered, sounding younger then his years, staring at Bones. "...I'll... I'll just stop, okay?" That was what Bones wanted to hear, right? What Bones wanted him to do? He'd do anything to keep his friend in his life. Even if it felt alien and wrong to say those words.

He'd rather just bring Bones with him so Bones could watch or be a part of it and they could come home together.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Who says love doesn't hurt, Jim? It hurts like hell, stings like a snakebite and then kicks you when you're down. But when it's good, like it is with us... It's worth the hard times." His voice dropped. "At least, it is to me. You're gonna have to make that decision on your own."

Unfuckingbelievable... "And how long would take before you gave in, felt guilty, and started hating me for changing you. I'm not askin' for that." Bones dropped his hands from Jim's shoulders and sfeped back. "You're scared. You don't think we can do this."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The L-word.

Kirk took the chance to step free, pacing a moment before turning to Bones, gesturing, "What the fuck, Bones?! Don't you get it?! I don't know how to do this! I don't understand how this could fucking work out when you want someone loyal to you and I'm a fucking slut." His fists came down at his side.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut about stuff and I don't want to fuck this up and lose you!"

Wouldn't look at Bones. Couldn't. He'd talked too much. He wasn't drunk. Definitely too sober for this conversation. Wanted to leave. Didn't want to talk about this, had to. "...why... why do they make it work... and we can't?" He whispered to himself, not understanding.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones didn't even hear the last part. There was a roaring in his ears, Jim not listening to him, still not listening to him, still not believing in him.

"Loyal to me? What the fuck is that, Jim?" Slowly walking toward Jim, he kept speaking in a low voice. "You're the one that's been loyal to me for years, the only one that's stuck around me, taken care of me, given me something to live for." Soon he was right next to Jim, hands at his sides. "You are the one that I want, and you know it."

He swallowed hard, one hand rising to lift Jim's chin, just a little, so he could look at him. "You're never gonna lose me," he said, eyes wandering Jim's face, trying to see where that doubt was coming from. Fuck, didn't he even want to take a chance that they'd be fantastic together? "Jim, look at me. You are never gonna lose me."

Their faces were impossibly close, just another step... "But its time to cut this shit out, Jim." His hands moved out to cradle Jim's face - fuck, it might be cheating but he didn't care, Bones was scared as shit Jim was this close to running, and he'd never get this chance again.

"Yes or no - are we gonna try?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Given me something to live for. Bones was the one that gave him something to live for. Had kept his ass in the academy when he was going to be expelled. Kept him from ending up in jail, just as much as Pike's challenge had. Kept him alive. Saved him from being grounded... which would have led to the Enterprise being destroyed.

Those strong, fine hands were cradling his face, just like they had in the shuttle bay. All it would take was an inch or two to press their lips together. Bones telling him that he wouldn't leave. That it would hurt, for them both, but it was worth the good.

Kirk slowly brought up his hands, putting them on either of Bones', gently nudging them around so he could kiss the fingertips. His voice was rough when he answered, and after a moment, he lifted his eyes so their gazes met. "...Never wanted anything more in my whole life, even being captain." His lips quirked in a painfully sad smile, trying to be serious, trying to tell Bones everything without saying it all.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Dark eyes watched Jim's lip touching his fingers, and his heart stopped, stopped right in his chest. The weight of the world, hadn't known it was there, inside him - it slid right off and he felt his stomach flop inside him.

His lips parted, he wanted to speak, to say something, tell him everything he wanted to, everything inside him, something to make Jim understand how much he needed him but fuck, he'd said to damned much already, and-

"Dammit, Jim," he whispered, finally, everything else in his head going blank except Jim, fuck, in his arms and then they were kissing and touching and Bones was holding Jim and pushing him backward, cradling the back of his head as Jim's back hit the wall. Bones pressed Jim into the flat surface, his hands moving, sliding, not staying still, constant motion along Jim's face, his hair, his throat, touching every part of him that he could reach. Had to show him. Couldn't let him go, not for anything.

Nothing else, no one else was more important that this.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Then Bones was in his arms. A grunt slid between them as his back hit the wall, and he matched every bit of that fierce need, but his hands stayed still. They were curled around Bones, holding him, not letting go. Never letting go. They weren't perfect, they never would be. Maybe that was part of what kept them together through everything, because they weren't perfect.

He bent his head down, biting on Bones' neck, growling quietly as he moved his mouth northward, nosing at an ear, across the jaw, finding those lips and stealing Bones' breath away. We'll find a way. We always do. Long as he doesn't leave... I can live.