[Kirk's Quarters] -- [Knock to Enter]

[kirktastic]

Kirk walked silently to his quarters with Spock, waiting for the doors to open before stepping inside. He gestured for Spock to come inside, and then just walked over to his desk. He sat down in the chair, not looking at his first officer. His entire body was throbbing, still on an adrenaline rush from hell. He had a feeling it was going to dissolve into a pounding headache.

Comments

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

Spock stepped in behind him; the hiss of the doors shutting sounded louder than usual. He didn't step forward to occupy one of the other chairs, preferring to stay standing close to the doors. He would also stay silent until Jim decided how he wanted to initiate this conversation.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Sit." Kirk said quietly, gesturing in the vague direction of the other chair. "Door, lock." He still wouldn't look at Spock.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

His gaze lingered on the chair, contemplating for a moment its non-threatening existence before he stepped forward and sat in it. He didn't fold his hands or lean back or look contemplative at all: his back is ram-rod straight, his hands rest on his thighs, and his gaze is still directed towards the floor. He maintained his silence.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...You know why I wanted you on my ship as my chief science officer and my first officer?" Came the words after a very long silence. Kirk was staring at the wall, looking in a vague fashion. He just looked... tired, somehow, older then he was.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

An ounce of failing courage is used in one daring moment; he glanced up from the floor. But once he saw Jim and the fatigue written all over his face, he shifted his gaze back to the floor. Now, of all nights, he began to see the rich detail of the synthetic fabric. "No, sir," He didn't even know why he was bothering with being overly-polite (though he should have always been--the man was his Captain, youth or not), when his fate was already sealed. But it felt appropriate.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk slowly licked his lips, tasting a sour-dryness to them. It had been too long since well, everything. Since his last good night's sleep, since he'd eaten (couldn't even remember the last time, it felt like academy finals again), since he'd been able to just stop for five minutes.

And now here he was, in this awkward moment with his first officer that had betrayed his orders.

"We didn't like each other. I don't even think we do now. But I had a good hunch that we could work well together." Boostered in no small part by Spock Prime's memories. "That we could lead this ship and do great things."

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"That is a reasonable assumption." Just looking at the Kirk and Spock they have on board, the ones not sitting in the room right now, and he could say the same, though it was more conjecture than actual memories. The carpet still captivated his attention.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...Captain and First Officer... are supposed to be a team. Work together, united. Supposed to work together, be strong, support each other." His eyes closed. Oh yea, the headache was coming through.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"I am well aware of the textbook definition of a relationship between a Captain and his First Officer." He didn't want to sound insolent, but he had already heard this once before. He would rather not hear it again, in this context--right when he was about to drop out of the equation.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk didn't want to say these words. He didn't want to be having this conversation. He wanted to be going down to sickbay and making sure his crew was alright, that his friends were okay. Instead, he was in his room doing something that felt a awful lot like breaking up.

"So why are you refusing to act like one?" Finally he turned his head, enough to give an almost sad gaze to the Vulcan beside him.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

Spock said nothing for a long few moments, trying to decide which was the best answer--caught between the truth and what he thought Kirk wanted to hear and an outright lie (this he entertained for a moment, and then discarded). "...If you feel my performance is less than satisfactory, there is another individual who will be more adequate for the position."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

It had been a long... several days of time with only a tiny cat nap's worth of sleep followed by a damned Klingon attack. It took him a minute to grasp at Spock's words. "Another person? Who the hell are you talking ab--"

It came to him then, after he had already opened his mouth of course. He frowned at Spock, brows drawing together. "I'll assume you're talking about your older counterpart? If you haven't noticed, ship or no, he's already someone's first officer. Besides, he isn't the person I chose for my ship." Definitely anger worming into his voice.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"He is the first officer of a ship that he is no longer present on and therefore has no obligation to at present," Spock pointed out, keeping his voice calm, despite the fact he was logically trying to surrender his post to a man who he was beginning to hate (irrationally, of all things, though it seemed very rational at the moment). "He has all of my qualities to a superior degree, and your relationship with him alone would make working far more enjoyable. His greater experience could lend innumerable benefits to the crew and the ship that I cannot possibly provide."

Then, a pause. He hated what he was about to say, but it needed to be said. "Neither has he been--" Hated. "--compromised by recent events to the point where it has affected his mental stability."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Spock was outright (for a Vulcan) admitting that everything going on was affecting him. Kirk let out a slow breath between his teeth and looked away again. "Is that what made you disobey my direct orders about intruders on the ship?"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

Almost tempted to fold his hands together now--perhaps another sign that he was resigned to his own fate, already. "I desired information that will now likely be withheld, since she is imprisoned. My disobedience, and failure as your first officer, was a consequence of that desire."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Disbelief entered the young captain's tones, "You wanted to interrogate her?" Not entirely sure how much he believed that, honestly. "On your own? After that thing with the Pike in the brig."

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

His body didn't flinch--he wasn't so human like that, yet (hopefully never)--but his mind did; thoughts recoiled at the unpleasant reminder of his last interrogation, the last time he was curious. But he could no more stifle this trait of himself as Kirk could stop flirting with everything that moved. "I did not want to interrogate her in that sense." Never wanted to again, in that sense. "I believe that she would have freely provided answers to my questions in exchange for maintaining her freedom." Spock managed a tentative glance up at Jim.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Despite the fact that you knew I had ordered all intruders to the ship to be put in the brig so that another surprise wouldn't happen again." He was too tired, too angry to fully keep the angered sarcasm from his tone. "You agree that we're supposed to be working together and all that shit but then you go behind my back! Why the hell was she in the gym of all places? Did you give her freedom to the ship!?"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

And his gaze fell back to the floor. "She was free to enjoy the same amenities as the majority of the crew." Perhaps to remind Jim, maybe even try to get treason stricken from his upcoming charges, he added: "As the ship has not reported any harmful activity, it appears that her presence in the gym was not malicious."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"We don't know a damn thing about this person and you're just tossing around the right to be here like any member of the crew to her?!" Kirk almost snarled, "Why, Spock!? What the hell was going through your head!? How the fuck was that logical?!"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

He knew enough about this woman (and her universe) to take the actions he did, but he doubted Jim would be receptive to that reasoning. "She was a respected officer on her own Enterprise." At least, he assumed some respect was there, if she had been head of the chemistry department (as temperamental as those people were).

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...and I bet the Pike in our brig was respected and feared." Kirk growled a little, tapping a finger on the desk between them. "You went against my orders and hid this woman practically and are giving me bullshit reasons as to why you did any of it."

Kirk shifted, looking back to the wall, "...Regulation says I'm supposed to have you court martialed for this sort of shit."

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"My familiarity with regulations has not suffered, despite what you think." He needed habit to keep his calm now; his fingers laced together in his lap. "Though I do not enjoy entertaining thoughts of penal colonies."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...you've done enough in the last few days to make sure that heavy charges would be brought against you. You'd have a long sentence in one of the colonies." His tone gave away nothing at all, nor did his expression.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

Spock glanced up at him again, though now with a steady gaze. "I would not allow myself to reach as far as the prison."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

That comment took Kirk by surprise and he looked up sharply, fixing Spock with a confused look, "What do you mean by that?"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"I will likely live through the sentence usually set down for treason, if you were to pursue that charge. However, there would be few, if any, opportunities for me once I am released." He had taken out all the nervous energy that would normally accompany these words in any other person, and he had to get rid of it somehow. Spock stood from his seat, and stepped around to face the plain wall behind the chair, his back to the other man. "Are you aware that Vulcans are able to regulate their heart beat, Jim?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

With those words, Kirk felt his own heart stop. It didn't take a genius to realize just what Spock was insinuating with those words. He stood up sharply, feeling a mix of anger and disbelief mixing together hot in his chest. "The fuck, Spock?! You're better then suicide! You're better then having to be court martialed!" He stepped forward, straight into the Vulcan's space-bubble, eyes narrowed. Kirk reached out and grabbed Spock's wrist, turning the other around so their eyes would meet.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

In his distraction, those ever-important mental barriers weakened, and now the shock of being touched, grabbed, not only allowed him to be turned but also for his thoughts to project right on through to his unfortunate captain. There was a small foundation of pain, layered on top with disgust, the echo of traitor in more than one language, and then fear, panic, he'stouchingme--

Spock jerked his wrist back, and looked away.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Still had to learn about that whole touch-telepathy thing he really knew nothing about.

Kirk's body gave a full length jerk, a hand slamming against the wall to Spock's side so he didn't fall, as he was suddenly inundated by a rush of words and feelings. His eyes were wide for a long moment, trying to sort through the alien-not-unfamiliar addition of new information in his mind. He stared at Spock, the briefly open expression on the Vulcan's face.

For a moment, all he could do was stare, realizing what was going on. Spock knew he had done wrong. He... was hating himself for it?

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

Spock stepped back and to the side slightly. The cold wall pressed into his back, and Jim was still standing oppressively close. At least they weren't touching, and the silence was almost welcome.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...Dammit, Spock." Whispered quietly in the darkness of the quarters. His head wouldn't let him keep it bright. "I... I don't want to court martial you. I fucking picked you to be my first officer because I thought you were stronger then this. I just..."

His eyes closed, but then he stepped up to Spock, their eyes only inches away. "I just knew we could do this together. But not if you're disobeying my orders and turning yourself inside out for whatever reason!" Those eyes blazed blue despite exhaustion, filled with a worry he couldn't suppress and an anger he didn't have to.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

It was illogical for wish for something that was impossible, but Spock would have gladly accepted all the broken laws of physics if he could sink into the wall at that very moment. Or anything, really, to make those blue eyes bore into something else other than him. "...if you do not wish to court martial me, then why do you persist with the option?" Not that questioning it would really change anything.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Because what fucking choice do I have?!" Anger flared up hot and bright in his expression. "I gave you a chance Spock, after you went down and disobeyed my rules by interrogating Pike! And you just threw it away! Why should I trust you again!?"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"Given what I have done, you should not." This was just as--perhaps even harder, than simply telling Jim to take his older counterpart instead. There wasn't any point making some elaborate lie about how he should trust him again, when all the evidence pointed to one obvious conclusion.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk closed his eyes, letting out a slow breath. "...Maybe I was wrong. My intuition, I guess. It can't be perfect. You don't even give a shit about all of this." His fingers curl against the metal of the wall.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"On the contrary, I do. Though the option is an impossibility, I wish to remain here. I care for this ship and its crew as much as yourself." He had to correct him. He didn't want to go through court martial, shame his family house (or what was left of it), ultimately having to pick between suicide or eternal failure for the rest of his life. But he had enough remaining sense to know that reality had come to that. "That is why I have suggested a suitable replacement."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...Dammit, I don't want a replacement. I want you as my first officer. That's why I picked you." He lifted his head, their eyes locking. "That's why I picked you. Because I know you care about this ship and crew even if you're good at hiding it. Because you were the one I trusted at my back on the Narada. But what am I supposed to do when you don't trust me? Or don't believe I'm a good captain? Or whatever reason is going through your head about not telling me things I'm supposed to know!?"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"...I did intend to relay to you her presence, unlike the incident in the brig." It made him uncomfortable even referring to it. "While it is no excuse, the Klingon incident did postpone that communication. It has nothing to do with your ability, or my trust in you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...how am I supposed to trust you with that, Spock?" Kirk's voice dropped, his eyes serious. "...I need to trust you. We have to, to do this together. Give me a reason to trust you, no bullshit."

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

There was a visible hesitation in his eyes, and he said nothing for a long moment. There wasn't anything strong he could say to this, no past heroics that would prove he would take a lethal hit for him (though he would, no mistake). This thing, this trust between them, was built on faith and one unrepeatable galactic adventure.

Then, quietly, "I have not fled from you, or wiped the memory of this encounter from your mind, though both would be comparatively easier than this." He was standing here against the wall, trapped between it and his captain, going through the painfully slow demise of his career second by second--for Jim. The anger, the annoyance, the betrayal--it needed to get out, and Spock would rather take all of it than let it taint any other aspect of this ship.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

A slow breath out, and Kirk closed his eyes. There was only silence in the room for what seemed like an eternity. Kirk searched inside of himself, testing those words, the knowledge he had from the other Spock and Prime, testing his own intuition, perhaps.

Then, slowly, he smiled. He lifted his head, their eyes meeting again, and he leaned back. "Well, then. You've told me about our intruder, she's not causing harm since there haven't been any warnings. So this time, I guess you were right. How about... not doing this in the future?"

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

He had just enough room to take a breath. He didn't even really believe it: Jim's mercy, a second time, his ability to just forgive this, to--smile, of all things, after this. If Spock were human, he'd indulge in some nervous laughter, because there was no other way to respond to it. Being half-Vulcan, he just blinked at him in mild confusion, before a slow nod. "I shall endeavour to be more honest with you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk shook his head a little and stepped back. "...Good. I have stuff to talk to you about... too much random Vulcan in the last few days. T'hyla and katra and the fact that I fucking need to learn to keep people out of my head. But... it can wait until later. Fucking tired." A weaker smile, not even realizing what he had said.

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

Spock stepped forward, off the wall. In his amazement that he was, again, not in the brig, he didn't have enough shock left to question how Jim knew those words at all--words he shouldn't have possibly known. He looked at the door, and then glanced back at him. "I do not want to break your locking mechanism, Jim."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

It took Kirk just a second before he laughed, "Right. Doors, unlock. Good night, Spock."

[cso-spock.livejournal.com]

"Good night." Sincere; the least the man deserved was a full night's sleep, after all of this. Spock stepped outside the room and returned to his quarters.