James T. Kirk

Jim pulled away from Spock, looking silently to him for a long moment. He moved to finally sit his back against the bed, breathing out slowly. "What happened, Spock?" The words fell rough from his throat. He wanted to know before he decided anything. The authorities... that hadn't even come to his mind.

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"You would be better able to inform me, Jim." Spock changed his seat, moving off his heels and then pulling his knees up to his chest to wrap his arms around his legs. The water, aside from dripping from his hair, was evaporating from his skin and taking his body heat with it. "This is not an event I remember well."

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"I don't fucking know!" He strained to keep his voice at a minimum, with Bones asleep nearby. "Why the fuck did you do this to me and Bones!?"

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He could only really guess to the extent of which he had touched Jim and Leonard. The visible indicators told him a lot and Jim's anger through the bond told him more. He nearly winced as it sloshed hot and caustic into his own mind.

"...do you truly believe I have the answer to that question?"

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His glare was just as hot as his anger, "I believe you're the only one who has any real clue! You hadn't said a damn thing that would have given us a clue this was going to happen! Hell, this or pon farr in general!"

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Spock looked aside, spotting the fallen bottle of lubricant rolled up against the side table. "There was no reason to inform you of the pon farr, as we were already approaching the planet. Neither did I...anticipate including you in--this. You have Leonard. Simply because either of your counterparts are permanently involved with another variation of myself does not mean...you would accept it here."

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"...except now you permanently fixed yourself to my--" Several words fell through his mind before he chose, "mate. Whether or not any of us wanted it, or want it." His fingers clenched into fists; he ignored the throbbing pain in his wrists.

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"It is only as permanent as you allow it." He risked a side glance at Jim. "We are among Vulcans. You could request a healer to dissolve it." Not that he didn't ache at the thought of losing something that he had only just acquired and was becoming acquainted with. Spock wouldn't deny (to himself) that he had wanted them in this. He had just imagine a more pleasant aftermath.

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Bones had been listening for a few moments, but he sighed loudly at this. Rolling over, Bones opened his eyes and looked Jim for a long moment before sitting up. "That's not an option, Spock." He cleared his throat, the sheets pooling around his waist. "That'll mess up your head pretty bad." With a bond this new, tearing it apart would be extremely painful.

A bond with multiple people, so fragile and new... It would be devastating.

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Only seconds before Jim was about to question more deeply into that. He looked up to Bones, knowing he couldn't hide the shocked expression from his face. "... not an option?" He said quietly, confused.

He didn't understand at all. How was that not an option?

...Did Bones want to be apart of it that badly? Jim wasn't sure entirely how to feel about that. There was a lot the two of them... still needed to discuss about this.

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Spock looked up at Leonard, then, and postponed his answer with a little swallow (guiltfear crept by). "It could be considered retribution--for what I have done to you." He would recover...eventually. What were great men without an occasional but relatively short (to his apparent lifespan) period of insanity? Sometimes it was required for genius.

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"Retribution?" Bones took a deep breath, feeling the guilt coming off of Spock in waves. "You think I'd want you to go insane outta some sense of revenge?"

Fuck, it might kill a weaker Vulcan, driving them into some sort of spiral downward. Bones turned toward Jim. "You know I'm the last one to be interested in this whole 'bondmate' business, but I'm not willing to destroy him," he pointed at Spock, "to do it."

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Jim didn't want to feel the guilt, but he did. He was quickly feeling frustrated all over again.

He forced himself to stand, felt the world tilt on its axis, and left to go towards the bathroom. The migraine throbbed hard at his temples and straight down into his gut. Wanted to throw up, get the nothing out of his system, and he was pretty sure his head was going to fall off his neck.

He didn't want to be a part of anything because of fucking guilt.

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Spock almost stood to assist him as Jim listed towards one side, but stayed where he was after Jim left the room. Dejected, he moved closer to lean against the bed, towards Leonard. There was no one he felt he could touch and yet he ached for contact.

"...It would be more logical to sever it. You and Jim are two individuals, including a captain and a chief medical officer. I am only one."

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But Bones got up and followed Jim into the bathroom. "Hey," he said, putting a hand on Jim's forehead. Sweaty, clammy, cold. Fuck. When Jim got these headaches, and that's what it looked like to him, they got bad. Bones held his head, hoping maybe it wouldn't be that bad.

From where he was sitting on the floor, next to Jim, he could see Spock, watching them. Hurting in his own way.. "I don't know if I could do it, Jim." Running a hand over Jim's hair, he sighed. "I'm a doctor, Jim. I can't hurt him like that, not intentionally, no matter how fucking angry I am."

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Bones cool hands pressed in his temples, cradling his head. He swallowed thickly, tasting bile in the back of his throat. He leaned into those hands, eyes staying firmly shut. Whatever Spock had done earlier had upset what little balance he had found since Spock had gotten him hard against the wall at the start of it all.

"Don't..." Swallow, try again, "Can't be in this 'cause of guilt... cuz of pain. He's in my head he's in yours..." His eyes squeezed shut more. Fuck. "Don't know what to think."

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"Tell me what you want, Jim. You want this gone, I'll find something, someway, I promise. Just... I can't..." Fuck, Bones didn't know what to think. A couple days ago he'd have been willing to put Spock down like a rabid dog, but now? Fuck... It was different now. Something was different now.

But it was killing Jim and that was unacceptable. "There's gotta be some way we can stop this."

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"I don't know what I want!" Jim nuzzled further into those hands. He wanted to force out the light, the echoing sound. "This is so. fucked. up!. I mean, what about Nyota? I..."

He leaned in closer. "...do you want this, Bones? Really?"

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"You know what I wanted." Bones didn't think he'd have to say it, but he tried. "You and me, that's all I ever needed. Thought that one day..."

He stopped. Not the time for this. Fuck, would they ever be able to now, take that next step one day? Bones didn't need anything legal like that, he knew what they were to each other. But still, he'd always thought that one day, it might happen. The idea made him happy.

But right now? "I don't know enough 'bout what's going on. Let's talk to him, to both of them. Maybe... We can figure something out." Fuck, he didn't know. But there had to be something.

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"...If we kept this, it couldn't be just you and me anymore," Jim whispered, "it'd be four of us." That was... something he wasn't sure he was ready for. Some play time fun? Jim never had any problem with that. This was something permanent, something that couldn't be changed after it became solid in their lives.

Guilt? Resentment? That wasn't what Jim wanted. But Bones... seemed ready to deal with it. How does Bones deal with this so calmly but got upset with me just having sex with other people...

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"You don't know that. Look where we are, there's gotta be something that we can do that doesn't-"

Bones stopped, hanging his head. Where was the line they were willing to draw? Maybe not kill Spock, but just hurt him for a few years? How many months of torture and insanity was acceptable to rid themselves of this goddamned unwanted bond.

And Nyota? Would that rending affect her as well? How would her mind handle it? It was fucking too much to think about right now. "I don't know what you want me to say, Jim. I... I just don't know."

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"I don't want you to say anything. Just... whatever." Jim slumped, enough that their heads touched. "We don't know anything about this... severing thing. We'll find out more... not gonna base any choice off of us being idiots and not knowing." That was his choice, for now.

Right now, he wouldn't have cared about the bond nearly as much if his head wasn't trying to shatter like an egg.

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"You want something for your head?" Bones had been rationing out the meds once it occurred to him that he couldn't just go pick up some more, and there was enough for just one more dose.

After that? Fuck, he wasn't sure how he was going to keep this from happening to Jim all the time if this was what bonding meant.

Looking up at Spock, he called out, "Can you fucking stop it with the head shit already? It's really hurting him." Fuck, there had to be some sort of block he could figure out... maybe that shit he'd made for Harold and Sulu last year. Had to find something.

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Their emotions were mercurial, strong, and now painfully clear--was this what it felt like to be human? Spock pulled back from where he had been watching them, eyes shut as he leaned against the wall and concentrated. The only real way he could stop it was to stop his own thoughts, find something much calmer to focus on. He did find something--namely, the lamp in this situation--and suspended his outgoing thoughts accordingly.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

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