[Cain and Abel] -- [Bones/Kirk] -- [Sam and Kirk]

[kirktastic]

Bones and Jim left the Captain's office soon after the surprise meeting with Emma and David. From the moment the older pair left the office Bones hadn't spoken, just nodded in response to Jim's suggestion that they return to their room. They were both quiet in the turbolift, and made it inside their room before either man uttered a word.

Bones headed over to the bed and flopped down face forward. He grabbed a pillow and pulled it under his head, wrapping his arms around it. Jim stood just inside the closing door and unlike his usual self, had no idea what to do or say. Jim could remember that night long ago when Bones had reeked of cheap bourbon and cigarettes and wept a few hot tears. It was the only time Jim could remember Bones ever having cried in his presence. Looking back, it had been heartbreaking and awkward and it hadn't gotten any better since.

Jim walked across the room and sat on the edge of the bed, slid his hand across Bones' back and remembered making the same clumsy gesture in the dark of their dorm room. The difference was this time it didn't feel awkward to let his hand curl under Bones' opposite side and lay down beside him. The words didn't come any easier, they stayed lodged somewhere between his heart and his mind so instead he let his actions speak for him. His lips found the back of Bones' neck, just where the tiny sensitive hairs ended and the skin of his back began. A silent gesture that said I'm here.

Bones shivered at the touch, turning into Jim's arms and pulling him close. He buried his face in Jim's neck, unconsciously rocking a little in his arms as they held each other. Eventually he let out a deep sigh. "I don't know, Jim. I just don't know anymore."

Jim nodded as much as the space between his chin and the top of Bones' head would allow. His voice was barely a murmur as he said, "I know." After a small silence, Jim followed up with, "I took you off shift for the rest of the night."

His hands finding the small of Jim's back, Bones grunted a soft "Thanks," and pulled Jim even closer still. "My dad's alive," he whispered into the side of Jim's head. "Both of them are here. I just don't know what to think."

"No one expects you to know what to think. It's not like ever been a report of people coming back from the dead before. I think this is one of those things that you just have to take one day at a time. At least you and your dad went out on good terms." Jim could remember though, what Bones had said that drunken night. Something about his dad -... fucked that up to. Jim's next words were a little more cautious, as he added, "...at least as far as I know. You never did tell me what happened between you two."

Bones slid a hand up to thread in Jim's hair as his body stiffened. Fingers tightened on the hem of Jim's shirt as Bones finally spoke. "I killed him."

What? Jim quickly started to calculate and came up with that Bones had to have been somewhere between 26 and 28 when his dad had died. "W-what do you mean, you killed him?" Despite Bones' sometimes gruff manner, and his affinity for hypos and the painful application of them, Bones was the last person Jim would have pegged to be a potential killer. Hadn't he said something like that just the other day?

The voice Bones used was surprisingly calm, talking as if he were relating some story. "He was sick. Dying, really. Didn't want him to suffer, so..." A long shuddering sigh escaped as he relaxed a little in Jim's arms. "So one afternoon I said good-bye and filled him full of cyalodin. Stopped his heart."

"So you stopped your dad from suffering, by killing a man who was already dying anyway? Isn't that the point of what doctors do, they ease people's suffering?" Even as the words left his mouth, Jim realized the words didn't sound as sympathetic as he had meant them. "Um- I mean, did he ask you to do it, or did you decide on your own?"

"He asked me to do it," Bones answered, in that same strange voice.

"So you carried out his final wish?" Jim said, a little confused. Then he felt Bones begin to shake, heard his breath hitching, and before he knew what was happening he heard Bones let out a soft sob and Jim felt something wet against his neck.

Oh fuck. I made him cry. Jim wrapped his arms around Bones, not making mention of it at all. He knew if he started to cry in front of Bones, he wouldn't want Bones to make a big deal of it either. Instead, he closed his eyes, pressed his lips against the top of Bones' head, and let him get it out.

It was several minutes before Bones let go of the tight grip he had on Jim. After a while, though, he got and headed into the bathroom. Jim could hear the water turn on, and Bones blowing his nose. Soon he returned back to the bed and sat down with a sigh next to Jim. "...sorry 'bout that," he said, sniffing as he nudged Jim's knee with his own and looked embarrassed.

"Don't worry 'bout it." Jim gave Bones a little smile. He reached over and gave Bones' knee a small squeeze, not a whole lot more needed to be said between them. He looked at Bones, and not wanting to make this any worse than it already was, Jim decided to change the subject. "Before Emma and David showed up I was getting kinda hungry. Want me to bring you back something?" he asked, thinking Bones might need a little time to himself.

A slow nod from Bones' direction. "Yeah," he said quietly, looking over at Jim, his eyes still a little red and swollen. "Just some soup or something, nothing big." He returned the smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Thanks, Jim. For everything."

Jim turned to Bones and leaned in close. Cupping his cheek with one hand, he ran his thumb gently under Bones' eye, as if wiping away a lingering tear. "Sure thing. I'll be back before you know it." He watched as Bones lay back down, arms wrapped around a pillow, Jim felt his heart pound in his chest. What else did the world have in store for Bones? Why did it seem to get some gleeful pleasure out of making him suffer over and over again?

Those were the thoughts that plagued Jim as he left the quarters he shared with Bones. The thoughts followed him as he made his way down toward the mess hall. Over the last few months it seemed that Bones could not catch a break.

All of those thoughts must have been on his face as he walked down the hall, but all of them seemed to vanish the moment that Sam came into view.

Comments

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

Sam's back was turned as he consulted a padd. He had been on the way to the mess when the padd started pinging with a message alert. The vaccinations were almost complete, but the lists of names seemed endless. Every few hours he would get a message with another list of names attached. Cross checking the manifest with the vaccination records, despite the miracles of computing, was proving time consuming.

Jim was there when he looked up from the padd. He smiled softly at his brother. It had been some time since they had seen one another.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Sam. A whole other source of the problems that Bones had, and a source of the problems between the two of them. Bones had asked him if he could be with Sam. What had the two of them been talking about? What had Sam done to encourage it?

Thoughts of food fled and were replaced by a cold feeling in the back of his neck. "Sam."

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

"Jim," he replied. There was something off about his brother.

"How're you?" Sam asked, knowing he might regret it.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...Not great." Said quietly, blankly, "Lot going on in my head." Thanks to you.

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

"Do you want to... talk about it?"

The offer felt awkward. A blood relationship didn't mean that they were particularly close, but Sam felt obliged to lend Jim an ear.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim licked his lips, and nodded once, "Yea. Your quarters are closer." Bones' old room.

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

The whole way to Sam's quarters, it felt as if Jim were following him, watching him. The hair on the back of his neck stood. He didn't even attempt to make small talk on the walk.

Sam opened the door to his quarters, but sensing that Jim wasn't in the mood for politeness, Sam went into his quarters ahead of Jim. He stood around awkwardly and waited to see where Jim would sit.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, Jim Kirk just didn't think. This was one of those times. He started to walk past Sam, and felt that anger bubble up inside of him hot and burning. It seared away everything else in his head, the thought that Sam had been perpetuating this thing with Bones all this time...

He turned on his heel and slugged Sam not-so-neatly in the jaw, as hard as he could, an outburst of everything he was feeling inside.

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

At first, Sam wasn't sure of what had happened. Chalk it up to shock, or him actually being that stupid.

When it did, he staggered back and and brought a hand up to touch his jaw. It didn't feel broken and moving it only made it more sore.

"What the fuck was that?" Sam asked, keeping his voice as level as he could.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"What the fuck was that?!" Kirk snarled the words, anger in his eyes, "What the fuck are you doing with Bones?? That's what I'd like to know!"

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

"Nothing for you to fucking punch me over!" Sam yelled.

Why hadn't McCoy warned him? Why the fuck was Jimmy so mad about this when he spent half his time screwing people on the ship who weren't Leonard McCoy.

"We've kissed. So fucking what?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kissed? Kirk hadn't known about that at all. He hadn't known they had gone that far. He saw nothing but a brilliant red for several moments, almost shaking with it. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He whispered, blank despite the expression on his face. Dangerous. "Why the fuck are you going after Bones?"

[dreadpiratekirk.livejournal.com]

Feeling brave in the anger and stupidity welling up inside himself, Sam stepped closer to Jim. "I'm not fucking going after him. It just happened, okay?" Sam drew closer to Jim with each word, until he was in his brother's face. "Besides, why would you care? You're fucking around on him."

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

After Jim left, Bones had gotten up from the bed only once, to fetch a bottle of whatever was opened in the cabinets. He returned to their bed and sat down, staring at the amber liquid in his hands for a very long time. Dad... Even the smell of the alcohol reminded him of being small and hugging his father tightly before being tucked into bed, or sharing a glass after a hard day at their medical practice. It brought back memories he hadn't realized were still in there, happy days and sad days and days in between. There was no one in young Leonard McCoy's life like his father.

And now he was back.

It wasn't until he saw that bourbon sloshing around the bottle that he realized that his hands were shaking. Fuck, he thought to himself, using one leg to keep it from spilling as he managed to get it open. The first swallow burned a little, like it always did. The next two were easier, his throat warm and stomach churning but soon that chaotic feeling in his head settled down, his hands stopped shaking, and Bones found it in him to close the bottle and push it away before he had too much.

He closed his eyes and lay back down, but no sleep came, just the image of his mother and his father in Jim's office, just like when he was a boy... but he wasn't a child anymore.

Pulling the pillow over his head, Bones waited for Jim to come back. When he heard the door slide open, he shifted on the bed and lifted his head. "Hey," he said in a quiet voice that seemed to fill the emptiness of the room.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Hey you," Jim said quietly back, a tray in his hands. The fight with Sam hadn't fixed anything, and he knew it, but it didn't matter. He'd gotten across some of what he felt to his brother, warned him off. He looked to Bones, and the thought that they had kissed just made him feel like an ass all over again. Was it all his fault that Bones wanted someone else?

He nudged the tray onto the bed, careful so neither of them tilted it over. "They had tomato soup in the galley. Got you a grilled cheese sandwich to go with it, and some cheese." And a duplicate meal for himself.

He wouldn't bring up the fight, not now. Bones needed a night to just ... feel.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Bones offered up a little smile, his hair mussed as he sat up and reached out over the tray to touch Jim. "Thanks," he said again. Jim felt stiff next to him, and he looked fucking tired. "Hell of a day, huh?" he said, a false humor in his voice. Last thing he wanted was to be a weight around Jim's neck, but it seemed no matter how hard he tried, all he did was bring more problems onto Jim's shoulders. 

He picked up his bowl and dumped his portion of cheese into the steaming soup. "Used to eat it like this when I was a kid," he said thoughtfully. "Feels like another lifetime."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

You have no idea. Jim thought to himself, nodding his agreement though, "Yea." He set himself up, putting cheese into the soup and stirring to watch it melt. "You remember that dinner I helped out at when I first got to the Academy? I got addicted to their tomato soup." His lips quirked as he remembered. The woman who had owned it was a beautiful cougar who was more than willing to cook for the young scrap of a thing she could at her back door as long as he brought some excitement into her divorced life.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

It didn't take long for Bones to finish his bowl - and the sandwich too- he was hungrier than he thought, and the food settled the alcohol in his stomach. "That feels like a long time ago, too," Bones said, eyes focused on Jim's face. In the grand scheme of things, it had been a drop in the bucket, less than four years since they stumbled upon each other, but so much had happened... 

And now Bones couldn't imagine being anywhere else in the universe right now than here. "Sorry for all this shit, Jim," Bones mumbled quietly, reaching out and stroking Jim's arm. "Bet you wishing you'd sat somewhere else on that shuttle, huh?" he joked weakly.  

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim reached out and grabbed the tray, putting it off the side of the bed. He slid back close to Bones and pulled him in close, pressing their foreheads together. "Fuck no," Whispered, so softly, "don't want to change a damn thing that's happened. We met on that shuttle for a reason," His voice turned into a quiet laugh, "okay, maybe not throwing up on me would have been better than what happened."

"Don't be sorry." The gentle kiss tasted like tomatoes and milk.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

"Tired of being a thorn in your side," Bones whispered back into Jim's mouth. "Want to help you, help you get through all your troubles and everytime I turn around you're having to out up with my bullshit." He made a whimpering noise. "Not supposed to be like that." 

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Fuck," Jim shook his head, just a bit, kissing him again, "you're not. You're not. You do help... fuck, I couldn't have made it through most of this shit if it wasn't for you. Not if I didn't want to be a twitching pile of paranoid tension that couldn't be a captain or anything else. Supposed to be like this. You help, I help, we both help."

He slid his arms around Bones, feeling the tightness in every line of Bones' body. He kissed the corner of his mouth, his jaw, neck, back to his mouth. His way of comfort, speaking, even as he tried the normal way.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

Closing his eyes as he felt Jim kissing him, Bones went quiet. No sense arguing, no retort would make Jim understand how amazing this all was for him. Bones could think of a hundred people, just off the top of his head, who would love to be in his place right now, some of them might even be better suited, less problematic. Give Jim what he needed. 

And then that fight last night... Bones wondered if the two of them were ever going to get it right. His parents seemed so happy to have found each other, they had come back from the dead to reunite. Bones had always wanted what they had, that forever love... What he and Jim were so very different, but Bones felt safe, protected, cherished, if that made sense. Jim made him feel wanted in a way he couldn't understand; didn't make sense. Jim could have anyone and he wanted him and Bones knew in his heart that what they had was different, but it was strong and fierce and just as 'forever' as he could dream of.

   It wasn't easy, the two of them being together, but as he lifted his hands to cradle Jim's face, Bones knew exactly how lucky he was and wished he could show him what he felt inside.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, maybe most of the time, they didn't need words. Instead, they could tell words, sentences, entire speeches through their mouths and hands. It was something Bones knew instinctively, Jim had mastered and taught more every day.

It lasted long because Jim wanted it to. He wanted to... as cliche as the word was... make love to Bones. He wanted to give Bones that release, something full body and mind, that he hoped would ease some of the strain. Ease some of the worry. Ease some of the tension. Tomorrow morning probably would bring all new problems, new strains the fight wasn't gonna help, fuck but... just an hour or so where it didn't matter.

His mouth spoke silent words into Bones' skin, gentle and soft. His hands sculpted an orgasm that came slow and steady, like waves on shore instead of the usual fiery inferno. Just them, together, as one.

[dctr-mccoy.livejournal.com]

It was one of those times when Bones knew it was okay to take, to just lay there in Jim's arms and let himself be loved, be taken care of. Jim could be so fucking gentle when he needed to be, strong when he needed to be, and when Bones came he clung to Jim like a dying man.

They lay together quiet afterward, just listening to each other breathe. No words were needed. When it was quiet like this, they could almost read each other's minds, knowing what the other wanted, needed. When it was like this, Bones thought, closing his eyes, it was so very good.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim held Bones gently, stretched out across the thin covers. He felt Bones' head under his chin, the slow movements of their breathing as they lay side by side. Something made him think of a tiny strip of music, something from the collection his father had left behind of music from past centuries. His mother had played it, and cried. He hadn't understood it as a child, but...

His voice was soft, just above Bones' ear. "I remember what you wore on the first day...You came into my life and I thought "Hey, you know, this could be something." It came out roughly, but Jim had a decent voice. Almost speaking more than singing, "'Cause everything you do and words you say, you know that it all takes my breath away... and now I'm left with nothing."

He shifted, Bones silent in his arms, so he closed his eyes, "So maybe it's true that I can't live without you... and... maybe two is better than one. But there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life, and you've already got me coming undone.. and I'm thinking two... is better than one..."

(OOC: The song. <3 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E231TF4CzU0))