[Rifts in the Boredom of Forced Sick Leave] -- [Open]

[kirktastic]

Things had gone... interestingly the night of the party. The small memory put a smile to Kirk's face, despite his complete boredom and annoyance at still being trapped in his room. He could leave, he could walk around, but there was nothing he could do. Damn CMO's orders.

Even if, you know, he was sleeping with said CMO.

There was still a lot to be done, and damn if he was just going to sit back while it happened. Which had led him to sitting on his bed, naked from the waist up, leaning over a padd as he tried to figure out the exact time not one but two people had evidently gone missing from his god damn ship.

And getting no where fast expect to a headache.

Comments

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Actually, I needed to talk to you pretty much anyway." Kirk agreed, gesturing for Pike to have a seat. He flopped onto the bed. "Nah, haven't seen them," Not thinking twice about it.

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"Okay. Just checking. I didn't know if they would've - well, if George would've come to talk to you...probably not, actually. I don't think he'd be too happy about me telling you this, but I think you need to know."

He was rambling already; fantastic. Chris leaned forward a little and laced his fingers together, resting elbows on knees. "We've never discussed George's and Winona's and my relationship much. Or...ever, really."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk just blinked at Pike for several moments, then licked his lips. "..I never really felt the need to discuss it." His expression, and voice, had changed to something almost wary despite an attempt to obviously hide it.

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

Chris nodded slowly, more in observation of Jim's suddenly gun-shy attitude than what he'd said, though he'd expected both.

"George asked Winnie and I to marry him yesterday," he said, words coming out rather abruptly. But there was no use beating around the bush.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...Oh. Oh. "Well, congratulations." He said bluntly.

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"A little premature. It's not happening." The fingers of his right hand twisted the new band on his left ring finger, almost unconsciously. He wouldn't usually have allowed the emotional tell, but it wasn't like he was hiding this. "I said yes, but she said no."

He didn't know if Jim would budge enough to show any surprise or curiosity on the Winona front, but he waited.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

That was actually a hell of a surprise. "What? Why not?" He stared at Pike. ...Fuck. George's heart had to be broken by that. "But you and Dad, then? Mo--Winnie'll come around."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

Chris shook his head. "Not me and your dad, no. It's all three of us or no go, Jim. That's...sort of why I wasn't around when you and Sam were growing up." But that was a whole other thing altogether. "The thing is - Winnie said no because of the way things are with you guys. She feels that as long as your relationship with her is the way it is, she can't commit to being in any kind of a family unit."

He looked down at his hands, swallowing hard. It sounded strange and bald, said out like that, for such a complicated emotional situation.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk just... frowned. What? "What? Sir... that doesn't even make sense. Why the hell does she care?" He hesitated, hands coming up, "Not like that. I mean, why is she basing her happiness on Sam and I? She never did before."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"Winnie's not happy about a lot of the decisions she made, you know. She never was." Chris raised an eyebrow. "I know you boys think it's too little, too late, but she knows that she fucked things up, and she wants to fix it - she really does. And the fact that every conversation you guys try to have devolves into an argument is killing her."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Hell, hell, hell. He really didn't want to get into this conversation. He didn't want to. His fingers tightened on the glass, "Sir... Can I be frank with you?"

"Of course." Pike responded.

"...You and I both know I'd prefer Winona not to be here. It's... to say the least, weird. But... she makes you happy, makes Dad happy... when she's not being a complete idiot and telling him no." Maybe it was just in how he grew up, but he couldn't imagine basing his entire life off of someone else's happiness with him. If someone hated him, then they hated him. ...There were a lot of those people.

"But I can deal with her being here. We haven't spoken since she came to me telling me that neither of you had seen Dad in two days on Risa, and I was more or less pissed as hell about it." He could admit that. "But I can't control Sam. Just talking about me. I don't want to just fight with her. I just..."

He leaned back, "She's not my mom. She's yours and Dad's... girlfriend? I guess... and maybe in the future your wife." That was WEIRD to say. In fact, he was pretty sure his face screwed up a little at the sheer thought. "...You're going to be my step-dad. That's... weird." He suddenly uttered.

"I grew up on my own after I was eleven. I didn't even know who you were, didn't really know anything about my Dad except a few things and he was a hero, and knew some jerk who didn't want Winona to have kids but wanted her money she gave him. Everyone seems to want me to forgive her."

His eyes closed and he let out a breath, "Maybe I can, at some point. Dunno. She told me she hated me, and even though I probably shouldn't have cared, it hurt." He smirked, shaking his head. "You think I'm wrong for feeling like this?"

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"No," said Chris instantly. "You're not wrong. You've got every right to feel like that. You've had a rough time of it and a lot of that is a consequence of things she did. Or didn't do. And there's not a hell of a lot that can make up for those years."

He sighed silently. "I just hope you understand that grief and shock can really mess a person up - and that she regrets it and she wants to try, when you and Sam are ready to, if you ever are. And she doesn't really hate you. She gets defensive and says what she thinks you expect to hear."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk spread his free hand, "I don't know what you want me to say. I feel like the only..." Something clicked, and he leaned forward. He met Pike's eyes, and said quietly, "I think the only reason she wants to 'make up' and suddenly doesn't hate me is because Dad came back. She had years to 'make up' and not hate me, but suddenly he's back and she's trying. Doesn't that seem fishy to you?"

He looked away, then back, "...Did you care about Sam and me, when we were kids? At all?"

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"Not fishy, no," said Chris, voice calm. "Logical. She needed the impetus. You know what I think? I think she's wanted to make up for a long time, but could never find the strength to make the first move, because she was ashamed and afraid of how you'd react. George comes back into her life, I come back, and she's got someone to push her, to be strong for her. That's how we work."

Chris sat up a little straighter at Kirk's second question, and rested his elbows on the arms of his chair. He'd been expecting this at some point, and thinking about it never failed to send a wave of guilt crashing over him. "Yes. Of course I did. You were gonna be mine, too."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I'll call bullshit on that. Maybe she did need the impetus, but that's still telling me that realizing she..." Kirk let out a breath and just shook his head. "I can be fine around her, not arguing unless she wants to bring up the past. I can even give the three of you my blessing, if you need it. But... I don't know about anything else. I don't see a reason."

The other stuff... "Course you did. That's why you came and saw Sam and I. Or rescued us from the hell that was living with Frank. Or found Sam when he vanished from the face of the planet. Or came and got me when Frank left me in prison and I got shipped off to T--"

He stopped, completely. "When I ended off planet too. Yep. Totally father material."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"I'm not blameless in all of this. Far from it," Chris snapped. "After George died, everything went to hell, Winnie and I were assigned to separate postings, and we had a discussion. Remember what I told you earlier, three of us or nothing? I loved Winnie enough to let her go. And I was stupid enough to believe that the three of you would get along just fine."

He scrubbed a hand over his face, not wanting to see the reproach in Jim's expression. "I don't know what I was thinking. I had this vague idea that we'd give it some time, do our five-year assignments or however long we'd be out there, then I'd come find all of you and everything would be somehow magically okay. But obviously that's not how real life works. I was out there a long time and you seemed further and further away, and then I lost track of you completely."

Chris looked up, knew his sadness was written plainly on his face. "I could have tried to track you down. But I didn't. That's something I'll regret for the rest of my life, Jim, and I'm sorry. You're right. I'm not father material, because a real father would have been there for his kids no matter what." His voice fell. "George would have."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...I know he would have. Kirk thought to himself, staring down at the drink in his hand. He finally put it down, shaking his head. "I don't see you as my father, and I won't. I respect you sir, and you were the one that got me to go into Starfleet. You had no reason to give a shit what happened to me or Sam, so I can only blame you so much." He shrugged a little. He thought the two of them were full of it.

"I would be happy just not talking about this anymore. Or ever again. Just thinking of you as Admiral Pike, the guy I respect and wanted to work under as my captain and all that stuff. I'd rather just think of Winona as the girl my father likes whether or not I want him to and you're with to. The problem is that none of you are happy with that. You want me to forgive her, or understand why she chose to do what she did. I don't. I can't. But... maybe I can learn to deal with her as adults, as a member of my crew. Maybe."

He felt... distant from himself. Vague, like words were coming but he wasn't in his own mouth speaking them. Just.. words. Did he fully mean all of this? He had to think about it.

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

Funny, the way Jim's words hit him. Chris hadn't been expecting that, and steeled himself against it as best he could.

"It's enough, Jim," he said, keeping his eyes steadily on Jim's tired, marked face through the unwanted memories his brain was insisting on calling up. "If that's what you can do, then that's enough. More than enough."

He didn't want to think about holding bright giggling Sam as a baby, or pressing palm and lips to the swelling bulge of Winona's belly that would one day be James Tiberius, a child he would never know, through his own faults. Those times were gone and they were never coming back - there was too much water under the bridge, too many mistakes made.

Chris nodded and didn't bother forcing a smile. "Thanks for - hearing me out, I guess."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"What if it isn't enough for George, or Winona?" Kirk asked quietly. "I can't control Sam, he might not feel the same. Her putting her happiness on us is stupid. Just... go be together. The three of you."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

Chris chewed his lower lip in thought, an old habit from when he was young. When he realized he was doing it, he stopped immediately. "I would like that," he agreed, words coming out slow. "We need to figure things out. We'll deal with it somehow."

"Do you think you could talk to your brother about this, next time you see him?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I'll... try." Kirk said in an extremely cautious way. "We're still learning each other out. I didn't see him for over a decade."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"Of course," said Chris with a nod. "But you're probably still the closest person to him around. I would, but I don't know him at all - God knows he doesn't have reason to be as patient with me as you've been today." He gave Jim a rueful little smile.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk suddenly missed the days he could be relaxed around Pike, almost like a father figure. Someone he could look up to and respect, feel easy around, someone he wanted to listen to. Now.. all of that had gone to hell. Maybe it could find its way back there.

"Not talking to him isn't gonna help though." Kirk pointed out, "He's going to want answers to questions I don't have, probably about why you left, too."