[Beach, Risa] -- [Kirk and Kirk]

[kirktastic]

After Kirk left the cabin and sped off, he knew how restless he was. Too many thoughts buzzed in his head. Thoughts of Pher, thoughts of the possibility of Pher's Spock returning to get him or vengeance. How could he possibly make a choice in all of that?

Then... that meld. Spock agreeing to basically what boiled down to a cuddle between the three of them. Waking up with their hands touching. No, not just touching. He hadn't realized until several miles from the cabin that his hand was sore. They had been clutching. The red-golden thread that had stretched between himself and Spock.

He found himself wondering if something like that was between himself and Bones, and Bones and Spock.

Kirk stopped by the private cabin he shared with Bones only long enough to write his lover a note and look in on him. He wanted to slip into bed there, fall asleep against the other and let the worry stop for a while, but felt entirely too restless.



The dawn found him out on one of the beaches. He was sitting in his pants, shoes off and back by the cycle, sitting in the surf as it rolled in. His knees were pulled up and he was leaning back on his palms.

------------------------------------

Private Communication to James Kirk (other)

Soon as you're awake, feel free to come find me. My global position's attached.

Comments

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

He wanted to touch him. To reach out and comfort him, even with just a hand on a shoulder. It was instinct but he'd been screwed over by his instincts where touch was concerned these past few days and he wasn't sure if it would be comforting at all.

Jim was quiet a few minutes, letting the light spill brighter upon them, the tide lap at their legs. He'd be all wet but it didn't matter.

"For what it's worth, I've been there," he said quietly. "I understand." But part of what he understood was that it didn't matter how much support you had and how much trust and how much others were willing to share your burdens. The decision, the responsibility, was his alone.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...I know you do. That's why I can talk about this with you." Kirk said softly. Then, after another silence,

"...Other the last few days, I keep wondering if maybe they should have found someone more experienced then me to take on the Enterprise. Maybe its my fate - I mean, look at you - but... would they have made better choices?"

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"I don't believe in fate," he said. "I believe our circumstances are similar enough that we were drawn to the same life. That our qualities make us naturally inclined to this position." Though all this was being questioned by recent weeks, by the various interactions between counterparts and striking similarities and differences, Jim had to keep believing that. Fate had no place in his world, where actions had direct consequences which were not mapped out beforehand.

"Circumstances conspired to put you there ahead of me. But from what I hear, you were there because you were the right man for the job. You saved the Enterprise. You saved the Earth and the remnants of Vulcan. Who else, Jim? Who would you put in command of the Enterprise? I made mistakes at your age. I've wondered, these past few weeks, if you were too young. If I would have been too young. But I've made mistakes since then, too. Fewer as I go on, I hope. You never stop doubting that. I haven't, even though I've learn to hide it. But I've learned also to balance that doubt with the knowledge that most of the time, I'm doing the right thing. That someone will call me on it when I'm not.

"Maybe someone else might have made different choices. No way of telling whether they're better. But I know you're a good captain. And I know Admiral Pike wouldn't have sanctioned your command if he didn't have complete faith in you. It's a difficult job. If it isn't, something's wrong."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I never believed in fate until the thing with the Narada. Then... then I did." Kirk's fingers tightened as his sides into fists. "There's no way all that could have happened without fate being involved. Bones deciding to pull me onto the Enterprise as a stow away. Spock deciding to drop me off on an ice hell hole. The monster chasing me, the SECOND monster chasing me, in that exact direction, falling off a fucking cliff, seeing the cave, and fucking a Spock from another universe? That's... impossible."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

There was a pause.

"It does defy any rational explanation I can come up with," Jim admitted. "I suppose I could formulate some sort of belief in a connection between us--that's borne out by other trans-dimensional experiences I've had--without thinking it's all written. I don't think I could accept that. I couldn't operate that way."



[[OOC - Best. Typo. Ever. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and not letting Jim respond as if Kirk really said "fucking a Spock."]]

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

[OOC: OMFG I CANT BELIEVE I TYPED THAT. DYING OVER HERE. I ALMOST LOL'D AT WORK THAT I CHOKED ON MY LAUGH. FINDING! FINDING A SPOCK. OMFG. ROFL ROFL ROFL.]

"I don't accept that it can't be changed." Kirk pointed out. "It was something that was supposed to happen, at some point maybe, but... who knows. Earth would be gone right now if I hadn't found him."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

[[OOC - Priceless.]]

"Whatever it is, then, it worked."

He watched Jim again for a long moment. Jim would have to work out for himself what he believed. What allowed him to perform in this world.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Yea." Kirk murmured very softly, bringing his knees up fully and resting his chin on them. He lapsed into silence, staring out into the distance. He was soaked from the waist down and damp from the waist up from the spray, his thin shirt clinging to him.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim wondered if the kid was even aware of the water. If he'd slept. Eaten. Anything.

Finally he did reach out, as he'd wanted to this entire time, placing a warm hand gently on his shoulder.

"You should rest," he said.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

The shoulder under Jim's hand was cool, telling how long he had been sitting out in the surf, but it didn't pull away. "Too restless to rest." Kirk murmured. "S'how I ended up here and not asleep back at the cabin with Spock and Spock or my cabin with Bones."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim nodded. And how he'd come to message him. He understood needing to be alone. He was glad Jim had contacted him.

"You should get warm, at least," he said. "Jim. Maybe this isn't the time, but... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you did when we should have been sleeping off some truly spectacular sex. That was my foolishness. None of yours."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

That makes him look fully at his counterpart. "...I knew you were in the bond with Spock and Bones. I shouldn't have asked you." He said simply, quietly.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim looked into his counterpart's eyes, holding his gaze. How different they were, and yet how the same.

"It's not like that," he said. "For one thing, no one forced me. I can control myself. And it seems you had a better handle on how things are than I did. I convinced myself..." He frowned, more of a grimace, really, recalling. "I convinced myself that it was the right thing, to give precedence to them. Lacking clear boundaries, I drew the line there. And I involved you, personally, in my own confusion about what this thing is. In the end, the problem wasn't us, or anything we did. It certainly wasn't Spock, who seems to take to the idea fairly strongly. The problem was my uncertainty, my instincts at war with what I had convinced myself was right.

"I was wrong. But I needed time to work out why that was. To establish what Spock needs from me, what the bond calls for, and what it means for him not to want me to change. I was willing to be theirs only, if that's what it took. I've done it for the ship, after all. But they're not the ship. And I'm sorry I caught you in that. It was my job to work that out before I involved anyone else."

He managed to look a little sheepish, now, his contrition as heartfelt as everything else ever written on his face.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk tilted his head slowly as his counterpart spoke. Finally, by the end, he just... smiled. Kirk shifted, moving his body, then pulled Jim into a hard hug. Just for a second, enough so he could whisper, "I don't understand fully, but I do understand. All's forgiven, right?" He leaned back, eyes bright.

"I'd rather things be good between us." That might have been a brow waggle.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim grinned back, immediately reassured.

"If there's anything between us at all," he returned, his meaning clear. "Thank you. I was fairly mixed up there: principles and instincts in conflict, that sort of thing. I don't fully understand it. I don't like being confused. It happens so seldom. The point is, I needed to work it out. On my own, and with Spock. And that's done."

Well, that wasn't entirely true. It was a process. He knew that. But his doubts had been laid to rest. He could be be who he was because he cared, because he would not willingly hurt another, and because everything went back to Bones and Spock.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk hesitated, then shifted enough to really look the other in the eyes. "...Is it because you're with them, or just because of the bond?" Clearly something else was in his tone, another question.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"Neither," Jim said. "That is, I think the rushed, mindless nature of the way this all happened got in the way of the normal part where we would have worked out what it means. Now it's fixed, and we're still dealing with sorting out what exactly it is. Well, I am. Spock and Bones seem... pretty easy with everything."

He fell silent, hearing something more behind Kirk's question.

"What do you want to ask, Jim?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"..." Kirk shifted, gesturing a little without saying anything. He let out a sharp breath and finally grumbled, "Haven't exactly talked to Bones about any of this stuff, either."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"Oh," Jim said succinctly. He should have thought of that. "Oh, well... My advice is that you do so. Maybe you have less capacity for guilt than I do, but there's no point in finding out. I wasn't guilty, mind you, about the sex--I felt guilty about not thinking of them first and determining if it was all right. Acting on my own in something I'm no longer alone in. Whatever is between you, I think it should be between both of you. Understood, however informally."

He didn't think Bones would want to change Jim. But that wasn't his place to determine. And however Jim might rebel at the thought of being tied down, it wasn't fair to assume McCoy's feelings were the same.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk shrugged, just a little, "Am who I am. Bones is who he is. I'm just not sure where the edges of him and I will join up, but well, I guess we'll find out." A tiny smile touched his lips. "I don't do guilt if I can help it." Sometimes he couldn't, and he hated it when he had to.

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"You feel it too strongly," Jim said. "I know. It's why we try so hard to get things right the first time. However impulsively." He slung an arm around Jim's shoulders, and grinned. "You're you, and Bones is Bones, and something tells me that's going to be just fine with both of you. It's early days yet. Isn't it better to make sure he's not going to blow his top if you screw around, instead of waiting to find out? That way, you can make an informed decision."

He leaned back slightly, frowning.

"Shit. Did I just talk us out of beach make-up sex?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Actually, he knows what we've been up to." Kirk laughed, looking over to Jim, "Doesn't seem to bother him. I do plan to talk to him, though." If he can't take it... I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. The thought flickered through his head and was forced away a second later.

He turned suddenly, brows raising, "Unless you don't like beach make-up sex." Obviously a tease. "Or you're going to run off on me again."

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

"Oh no, I love beach make-up sex," Jim said earnestly, as if this was a question he'd addressed before. "But I think it's your turn to run off; I'm not planning on that again. I didn't like the first two times I did it."

Despite his flippant tone, he wanted to allow Jim an out. A chance to say he needed to go back to Bones. He didn't want to be in the position he'd put Jim in, after all.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

For a long moment, Kirk just looked... confused. Then finally he said, ".. I don't get it. I don't feel guilty about it. But... it's like... everyone else wants me to?" He sounded as confused as he looked.

He didn't feel guilty about having sex. Sex was fun, sex was orgasmic, everyone enjoyed it, went their separate ways.

But everyone seemed to feel so stupidly guilty about it.

Was there something wrong with him that he didn't?

[original-fine.livejournal.com]

Jim's eyes widened. "Me too," he said. "That's what I was saying: I didn't feel guilty about the sex, but I felt guilty that I hadn't thought about it at all and knew that I was supposed to. I couldn't understand why Spock might be hurt, but I knew it was theoretically possible."

He chuckled.

"Turns out he was even more confused than I was when I told him I'd curbed my natural instincts."