[...Think I've Fucked Up...]

[kirktastic]

He woke by inches. Dragging, slow, aching inches. Kirk's eyes felt like they had sand bags on them as he tried to force them open. He started to move and -- okay, okay, something was bitching at him for doing it. So, he started out a little slower and just shifted his head. It lolled on his neck and he opened his eyes to stare upwards. Ceiling. Blurry ceiling. Lights. ...Bad, bad lights.

He closed his eyes again and let his head drop.

He woke (woke? drifted out out of darkness? whichever...) again. This time, he decided to do things differently. "Lights, 20%." I sound like a frog... Kirk thought to himself, and with the lights dropped, risked opening his eyes again. Much better. He could keep them open this time. He glanced around, just taking in where he was, and grunted as memory started to offer up some information on what he was doing in the officer's (ambassador's?) lounge. He focused across the room, and decided that it was the officer's lounge - there was a dart board on the wall which someone had put up a while ago.

Kirk let a hand flop to his face, then rubbed down it. He groaned as he started to pull himself together. All of his muscles complained - sleeping sitting in this incredibly awkward position? Not a real good idea, evidently, because it made every part of you complain later. He worked himself so he was laying out on the couch instead of hunkered over half-sitting up, and let himself get used to something new before he tried to do something as daring as actually getting up.

He tilted his head to the side, spotting the fourth-full bottle of pine-liquor on the table. That's right... he had met James, went and had a drink with him and... "Aw, fuck," Kirk breathed out. Then he'd let the man use him like a whore. While the whore part didn't usually bother him... he couldn't believe he had done it on his own ship. Check out the Fed's golden boy, Kirk said sarcastically inside his own head, laying out on a couch in his officer's lounge, disgusting, fucked open, and naked. Sure are proud of him.

Every little movement told him he had gone a bit too far, that he'd been an idiot. That was no surprise, it wasn't completely unfamiliar. He sighed through his teeth and forced himself to stand up. Kirk looked down his body, then squeezed his eyes shut. Even in the low light, he could see the mottling bruises. When he twisted to look back at the couch... shit. It'd have to be cleaned. He eyed a dark spot on the material and rubbed his face. In the past, he would have staggered/limped back to his dorm room with Bones and puppy-eyed some healing out of the doctor, at least to where every blink didn't hurt. Now... now... he couldn't. Bones told him, face on, that he didn't want to know about what he did... outside of their bedroom. He couldn't ask Bones to help.

Kirk limped a little across the room, grabbing his clothing. At least it had survived that encounter in tact. It took way, way too long to get into his shirt and pants, gasping as he discovered his shoulder had been hurt at some point when he tried to get his arm through a sleeve. Who the hell can I ask... The list was small, so it didn't take long. This is going to be fucking hard to explain. Kirk grumbled to himself.

When he was dressed, he sat. His body was complaining loudly for a rest, threatening to give out in the knees or head. His head was pounding... had it gotten hit, or was it just the alcohol? Could be either, for all he knew. Kirk rubbed his hands into his knees, trying to get himself prepared to deal with sickbay. ...gonna need to call her up here. Limping down to sickbay like this? Great for ship rumors... at least with her at my side, if she'll even help, if looks more official. Yea, great. Now he was trying to cover this up...

This. He went through the memories of the previous night, and just... frowned. He and James had fucked. James had given him exactly what he'd wanted.

...Why the hell didn't he feel good, then? Well, besides the normal 'ow this hurts'... normally there was a relaxed feeling in him, like he'd gotten something out of his system. Where his frustrations and annoyances were in control and he could deal with them again. He just felt... sort of grumpy, sore, and... and...

Kirk scowled at the wall. What was this feeling? He forced himself back to his feet and pressed the comm at the wall. "Kirk to Nurse Christine Chapel, report to the officer's lounge on Deck B."

He sat back down to wait, closing his eyes. I felt better that night with Bones and Spock.

Comments

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

Tina took it in as a whole for a moment. Jesus.

"Sir," she said quietly, "you said 'fun,' but I need to ask - should I be preparing a rape kit? Whether or not you decide to use the evidence later would be up to you, but you'll need to tell me now if you want me to collect it."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Nah," That was easy too, "not rape if you asked them to do it." Shit, hadn't really meant to say that. He scratched the bruise on his stomach - that was the annoying one since he felt it every time he moved.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

Tina nodded her understanding of his decision, and put on a pair of gloves. She pulled out a tricorder and did a quick scan of Kirk's torso, checking to be sure that the bruising on his stomach didn't indicate any organ damage or cracked ribs. It was a nasty hematoma, but that was all.

"Can you turn around and bend from the waist for me? I'm going to check for anal tearing." The extent of it, rather. Even looking at him from the front, she could see smears of blood on his thighs.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...This was fucking embarrassing for someone that wasn't Bones. Bones, he just cracked jokes the entire time and Bones yelled at him and life went on. Kirk twisted in place, bending over and staring at the couch. A new low point in my life, I think. Least she sounded professional instead of snickering at her captain's foolishness.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

It wasn't the worst she'd seen, by a long shot, but Tina was starting to think that Spock might have had the right idea about keeping lubricant available in supposedly-public areas, if people we going to keep doing things like this.

She turned back to the kit and pulled out a portable dermal regenerator. It wasn't a very powerful unit, but the tissues in need of repair were thin and delicate, so she might even be able to save Kirk a trip to sickbay.

"There's some tearing," she said. "Nothing too alarming. I'm going to use a dermal regenerator on you. It might feel a little strange, but if you have a sharp pain at any point, tell me."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"It's not the first time, but thanks." Kirk shifted, leaning forward on his forearms and closing his eyes. The more he thought about it... the more sure he was. He didn't feel good at last night. That wasn't completely unusual, he'd had nights in the past he'd regretted, but... this wasn't the same. He felt... like he had done something actually wrong in the pit of his stomach.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"I get used to giving the same speech every time," Tina said, with a hint of a smile in her voice. "Though I usually manage to stop myself before I do it twice in a row with the same patient."

She continued to work as she talked, the regenerator humming along.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Bones used to give me a speech. It involves lots and lots of 'god damn' and 'what the hell were you thinking' and 'I shouldn't be doing this'." Kirk shook his head, forehead rubbing against his forearm.

"What time is it?" He asked Tina. "Gotta get back to my quarters soon." He had absolutely no idea he'd actually slept through the night there.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"It's about eight," Tina said. "And that does sound like McCoy. I can swear at you if it makes you feel better. I mean, I'm here to heal and all."

She turned the regenerator off and checked her work. Excellent.

"You're all set here. Watch for pain during bowel movements and come in to sickbay if you notice any more bleeding. Are you injured anywhere else?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...Eight? Kirk jerked where he was standing and looked at her. He tried to calculate... no. No. He couldn't have. "...Eight... you mean... an hour before alpha shift eight?" He whispered it.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"Yes. Oh-eight-hundred."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

All the strength went out of him at once. Kirk sat down hard on the couch, rubbing his eyes with one hand, "Fuck." Just whispered. ...Fuck. Bones had asked him that one thing, to come home to him every night... and ... fuck. Couldn't even keep that promise. "Just meant to close my eyes a bit..."

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"Your body must have needed the rest," Tina said gently, not understanding the source of his distress. "You've still got time to clean up before Alpha." She smiled a little. "And who's going to get you in trouble, if you're running a little late?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...It.. that's not the problem," Kirk looked up at her, and then away. "Bones. He's gonna be pissed."

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"Oh," Tina said. "I see."

She stripped off her gloves and perched on the edge of the table for a moment, facing him. There wasn't anything she could do, but she didn't feel right about just walking away.

"Is there... Do you need me for anything else?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk opened his mouth, then closed it. He frowned at nothing, then nodded, "Can you use that," Point at the regenerator, "On my shoulder? Hurts like hell." He just pulled off his shirt - he had nothing to hide, liked his body - and turned. The bite mark there was an ugly thing, thick and bruised, but hadn't broken skin.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"It won't have much effect. It's really designed to knit together severed tissues, rather than reduce bruising or pain. But I can give you a topical analgesic gel to reduce the discomfort." She dug a sachet out of the kit and double-checked the notations on the packaging. "It's on the safe list for you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Damn." Kirk knew Bones had some sort of way of magicking away bruises but wasn't entirely sure what. "...Thanks, Tina. Needed this." He laughed a little, "You came with just about everything. Is that the 'another officer's gotten himself in deep shit' kit?"

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"It's pretty much the standard portable kit, but we've been experimenting with including more items," Tina said, rubbing a light layer of the gel over the bite mark on Kirk's shoulder. She coated the bruising over his stomach, for good measure. The cool gel tingled slightly, and the pain started to recede. "I'll definitely keep that in mind if we decide to rename them, though."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk gave a roll of his shoulder, feeling the ache leaving it. "It could be the nick name for them, since I bet that's the most they're used for." He turned to face her. He frowned, eying the circles beneath her eyes. "...you okay, Tina?" He asked with some concern.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I'm fine," Tina said, with a reassuring smile. "It's just early, and I'm not letting myself have coffee anymore."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"What?!" Kirk laughed a little, "No, you can't deprive yourself of something so necessary." It was a light tease, but right now... he was trying to think what to do. He wanted to go apologize to Bones... but Bones didn't want to know... but Bones wanted him to come back... fuck. It was like some never ending circle he wasn't sure where he could jump into without getting Bones more pissed off at him.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"I know! It's so tragic. But I'm compensating with ice cream, and that's working out okay." Tina was grinning, but underneath it she was concerned. Kirk seemed really distressed, though he was trying to hide it.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Yea but having ice cream when you first wake up..." He paused, then grinned back, "Okay, that does sound like a good idea."

He closed his eyes, then said out of no where, "Option A or B, Tina?"

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

Ah, flipping a coin. "B," Tina said.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...not telling him." Kirk nodded, "Thanks." He made up his mind with that, getting back up to his feet. "Think if I'm fast I can catch a shower before shift."

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

Tina pulled out another packet of analgesic gel and then closed up her kit. She handed the gel to Kirk. "You can reapply in a few hours, if you need it. Beyond that, come to sickbay or call me if you have any other pain."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

He took it, nodding. "...thanks." A small grin, just for her. He looked to Tina, wishing there was something more he could say. She didn't deserve to hear about her boss' life though. "I'll talk to you later, or... I hope not." A smirk, "Means something went wrong."

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

"That's right," Tina said. "I don't want to hear from you until our next social function."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I'll do my best," Kirk smiled at her, glancing back once to the couch. Needed to get that cleaned.... He felt very sorry for the maintenance crew that got called.

[rn-chapel.livejournal.com]

Tina slipped the strap of the medkit over her shoulder and walked to the door, waiting for Kirk to unlock it. She was about ready to have some ice cream, or maybe some extremely fortifying herbal tea.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Unlock door." Kirk called out, walking with her as far as the comm on the door. He'd done something wrong, and he knew it. Sex was just... sex. Why did this feel ... wrong?