kirktastic | [Captain's Personal Log - Private/Encoded/PW Locked]

I wish I even knew where to start writing, so I suppose this is the best beginning I can offer for now. There's too much to talk about, things I have a feeling I'm already forgetting. Risa seemed to do that, to capture everything that there was about the entire vacation and keep it there, taking it away from me. Like already, I'm forgetting stuff about hat happened there. Little things, like the exact color of the ocean, the shades of the sunset I sat and watched with Bones, exactly which star I pointed out to Spock. All together... I think I want to buy that little place Bones and I rented. You know, make it our place that we can go when we get a chance for shoreleave.

...Maybe not. Fucking sounds like I'm trying to settle down or something. Still, I kinda like the idea.

...Bones. I think he liked his birthday gifts, however intangible. When Uhura came to me about the whole Joanna thing, I could have kissed her for her genius. Hard to tell how Bones really felt about it... he cried, a little. Not where anyone could see it, later... I won't let him know I know, though. ...A kid. A kid a billion miles away and all but like, still. A kid. If we're together... do I have to deal with her? I've never really dealt with a kid... maybe Bones'll just want to go off and do his thing with her when we get back to Earth? Would he want me to meet her? What if she doesn't like me? ...Fuck. That's complicated shit I always tried to avoid, but I guess I can't with this. wanna stay with Bones, and Joanna's a part of that package. I just don't know how to be a part of that part of it.

... Thirty-two, and she's what, seven? So Bones was right about my age when she was born. Kinda weird, in a way. I couldn't imagine being a dad right now, but then again... he was just a Terran doc and didn't have to worry about leaving his kid. ...weird how life changes completely. I can't complain... because we wouldn't have met up if it didn't all happen. Then again, looking at the other Spock, Jim, and McCoy? Maybe we would have. ...Fate's a fucking weird thing. I keeping thing its something that I can deny, but then it keeps slapping me in the face. So many fucking coincidences between universes... can't be possible. How does it all work?

I've been really thinking about that. All this time stuff, all these mixings of universes. Like, how come I look different from Jim, we've had different pasts to a point but not all that different, and we're not that different as people either. I could really see me being even more similar in ten years. He's had time and experience to sort of temper him... something I'm learning. I wanna do my best for this crew and this ship. I think together, all of us, we can do something amazing. Jim's mentioned, from time to time, that his adventures have been something out of imagination.

I don't want to know what his have been. Wanna make my own.But now... things are muddled. Prime mentioned something about how the timeline's basically been completely fucked up because of him and Nero breaking into the universe. He's right. He's really, really right. Because the timeline isn't fixing itself like he thought it would. Maybe it is in small ways... like Spock and I being friends. I think I'm safe in calling him that, now. I'm fucking glad of it, too. That kiss... fuck. I never felt anything quite like it before. Not entirely sure what it means, but it doesn't outside of that sky-place in Spock's head. He's with Uhura, and I might be a whore sometimes but I don't break that shit up. That's lower then low. So it stays there, and I feel a fuck ton better about learning these shields from him.

It has been hysterical teaching Harold how to be a yeoman and me learning what the hell he's supposed to do. We both have no idea, but he's definitely falling into place quick. It's almost surreal. ...He'd look good in a skirt. Just saying.

...My brother's on my ship. My brother's a pirate. Starfleet regulations say I should be bringing him and his whole crew to the nearest starbase for procecution. Maybe I'm emotionally compromised, but ... fuck, Pike might be too... but I can't do it. I can't send my brother off to a penal colony.

I don't know how that's gonna end. I'll find a way...

I asked Jim, McCoy, and Spock to, basically, join the crew. They'd be taking up beta or gamma shift... running the ship. I have no idea how it'll work out, to be honest. Mostly, maybe not such a surprisely, between Jim and I. I can trust him up there, but... the thing I'm most worried about, I think, is just the sheer fact Jim's used to running his own ship. Would he really be willing to listen to me, with less experience?

...Guess we'll find out.

I don't want to do this wrong. I don't know if any other Captain's had to deal with this sort of circumstances, but... fuck.

Starfleet left me a communication.

They are 'requesting' a meeting with me. I... I have no choice. I can deal with it. I already did. I'll do it again. S'what being Captain means.

I know they still don't believe me. I'm too green still, and no matter what I do, even Pike's reports I have a feeling, don't convince them. I'm flying solo on this. The Captain of this craziness. I have to find the answer. I have to find out what's going. This is a challenge, and I'm sure as fuck not backing down.

Because I think otherwise, the universe will tear itself apart. How much more can we take before everything we know is gone?

Starfleet still doesn't fucking know how to read the god damn ship time. Gotta get up at the ass-crack of non-existence for this meeting.

Oh, and as if all of that wasn't enough? There's reports of Romulan ships in the neutral zone. I bet you anything we get to deal with that, since we're close.

Kirk out.