[Rifts in the Boredom of Forced Sick Leave] -- [Open]

[kirktastic]

Things had gone... interestingly the night of the party. The small memory put a smile to Kirk's face, despite his complete boredom and annoyance at still being trapped in his room. He could leave, he could walk around, but there was nothing he could do. Damn CMO's orders.

Even if, you know, he was sleeping with said CMO.

There was still a lot to be done, and damn if he was just going to sit back while it happened. Which had led him to sitting on his bed, naked from the waist up, leaning over a padd as he tried to figure out the exact time not one but two people had evidently gone missing from his god damn ship.

And getting no where fast expect to a headache.

Comments

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"I'm not blameless in all of this. Far from it," Chris snapped. "After George died, everything went to hell, Winnie and I were assigned to separate postings, and we had a discussion. Remember what I told you earlier, three of us or nothing? I loved Winnie enough to let her go. And I was stupid enough to believe that the three of you would get along just fine."

He scrubbed a hand over his face, not wanting to see the reproach in Jim's expression. "I don't know what I was thinking. I had this vague idea that we'd give it some time, do our five-year assignments or however long we'd be out there, then I'd come find all of you and everything would be somehow magically okay. But obviously that's not how real life works. I was out there a long time and you seemed further and further away, and then I lost track of you completely."

Chris looked up, knew his sadness was written plainly on his face. "I could have tried to track you down. But I didn't. That's something I'll regret for the rest of my life, Jim, and I'm sorry. You're right. I'm not father material, because a real father would have been there for his kids no matter what." His voice fell. "George would have."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...I know he would have. Kirk thought to himself, staring down at the drink in his hand. He finally put it down, shaking his head. "I don't see you as my father, and I won't. I respect you sir, and you were the one that got me to go into Starfleet. You had no reason to give a shit what happened to me or Sam, so I can only blame you so much." He shrugged a little. He thought the two of them were full of it.

"I would be happy just not talking about this anymore. Or ever again. Just thinking of you as Admiral Pike, the guy I respect and wanted to work under as my captain and all that stuff. I'd rather just think of Winona as the girl my father likes whether or not I want him to and you're with to. The problem is that none of you are happy with that. You want me to forgive her, or understand why she chose to do what she did. I don't. I can't. But... maybe I can learn to deal with her as adults, as a member of my crew. Maybe."

He felt... distant from himself. Vague, like words were coming but he wasn't in his own mouth speaking them. Just.. words. Did he fully mean all of this? He had to think about it.

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

Funny, the way Jim's words hit him. Chris hadn't been expecting that, and steeled himself against it as best he could.

"It's enough, Jim," he said, keeping his eyes steadily on Jim's tired, marked face through the unwanted memories his brain was insisting on calling up. "If that's what you can do, then that's enough. More than enough."

He didn't want to think about holding bright giggling Sam as a baby, or pressing palm and lips to the swelling bulge of Winona's belly that would one day be James Tiberius, a child he would never know, through his own faults. Those times were gone and they were never coming back - there was too much water under the bridge, too many mistakes made.

Chris nodded and didn't bother forcing a smile. "Thanks for - hearing me out, I guess."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"What if it isn't enough for George, or Winona?" Kirk asked quietly. "I can't control Sam, he might not feel the same. Her putting her happiness on us is stupid. Just... go be together. The three of you."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

Chris chewed his lower lip in thought, an old habit from when he was young. When he realized he was doing it, he stopped immediately. "I would like that," he agreed, words coming out slow. "We need to figure things out. We'll deal with it somehow."

"Do you think you could talk to your brother about this, next time you see him?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I'll... try." Kirk said in an extremely cautious way. "We're still learning each other out. I didn't see him for over a decade."

[letspunchit.livejournal.com]

"Of course," said Chris with a nod. "But you're probably still the closest person to him around. I would, but I don't know him at all - God knows he doesn't have reason to be as patient with me as you've been today." He gave Jim a rueful little smile.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Kirk suddenly missed the days he could be relaxed around Pike, almost like a father figure. Someone he could look up to and respect, feel easy around, someone he wanted to listen to. Now.. all of that had gone to hell. Maybe it could find its way back there.

"Not talking to him isn't gonna help though." Kirk pointed out, "He's going to want answers to questions I don't have, probably about why you left, too."