[NVC Day 24] -- [Does It Comes From Within?] -- [Jim/Sybok]

[kirktastic]

When Jim left the trial that evening, it was over. No more offense, no more defense. The trial was over. Tomorrow, when he came there in the morning, they would know what would be happening with the Romulans. He felt at ends about it, broken into pieces.

So instead of going back to his room, dealing with dinner he wouldn't eat, he decided to go do something instead. After some deciding, a quick bit of research, Jim had somewhere to go. He asked Bones, but wasn't entirely surprised when Bones declined to want to come. It wasn't exactly something up Bones' alley, but tonight, it wasn't a terrible thing. Just a few hours to go out, clear his head, then come back and find Bones' arms.

That's what set Jim out to the distant cliffs, where the beaches were shallow and warm like the ocean itself. He had on a pair of swim trunks, goggles, and pairs of specially designed shoes and gloves with webs in them to help him swim and still retain movement in his fingers. He dumped the backpack he had brought with him, and pulled on the last two items he needed. Around his neck went the mouth piece to his slim, light weight breathing device that could process the water into oxygen for him to breathe. Around his head went a band with a small camera attached, and on his belt was a very light weight processor that would record everything the camera saw. He thought it would be interesting to keep, and bring back so Bones could see.

The waters of Sha'Kwai were amazing. The things he saw, diving down as deep as he could before he couldn't tolerate it anymore. It cleared his head, the silence of everything except his bubbles and the moving water. It was warm down there, like slightly less warm bathwater. He saw strange fish with horns on their head, giant coral-like creatures that swayed when he came close to them and brushed against him, even something that looked like an alligator except when it opened its mouth a small tentacle emerged and struck at a fish.

When it started to get dark, he had to get out so he could be safe. He grabbed a towel out of the backpack he had brought and dried himself off, and started to walk back towards the guest quarters again. It was a bit of a walk - the beach he had started on had been recommended to him, but the walk felt good. Worked out the kinks in his muscles.

Comments

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Sybok shifted his gaze to look up the length of the beach ahead of them. It wasn't so much to see how the grains captured the last bit of dying light from the setting sun, but more to collect his own memories together. The thing about keeping his emotions available was that they leached into everything, and then came alive around the most painful of his experiences.

"First of all, you should know that you don't need to endure the pon farr in order to seal a marriage bond. It can be cemented in--other ways."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"This wasn't a fucking marriage bond. Just a bond," he held up a finger, "I don't give a shit what Vulcans say, I'm human and Spock's half and there's three humans in this bond so we out rule his 1/2 Vulcan. What other ways can it be formed, then?" Because... well, he was curious, thinking about the bond he had with Bones.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

A smile tugged at the corner of Sybok's mouth and he chuckled, something soft and not louder than the ocean waves. "Let's say it is, okay, Jim?

"The other way you can form it is you can find a Healer and ask them to form it--which they will, with some convincing. With humans, I'd imagine it'd be artificial until the pon farr, but between Vulcans, it just builds on the foundation from the betrothal." That had been a grand night, he remembered vividly, though tried to ignore the fact they had been so young. He had been fresh out of his Rite of Tal'oth, she had only intended on meeting him at the gate that evening...it was one of the few truly spontaneous events in his life.

"We did this, T'Rasi--my bondmate--and I."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...Let's stick to bond." There was just a bit of warning in that voice, but Jim looked quietly up to Sybok. "But that wasn't a bond bond, was it? What's that bond like... the partial one?"

Sybok wasn't the only one capable of getting information subtly.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"The betrothal link?" He raised his eyebrows at that direction Jim's curiosity seemed to have taken, since it was something the human would never experience. "It fills a smaller portion of your mind than the bond." Sybok put heavier emphasis on it in lieu of adding 'marriage' to it, as Jim seemed more comfortable with that.

"You can't truly communicate. At times, you can feel strong emotions if your bondmate feels it--generally not often, in any 'proper Vulcan.' Contact is also...more pleasurable than you'd have with any stranger." There was a fondness in his voice.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"So a healer has to make that happen? That... link?" Jim tilted his head, but deep inside he thought it sounded surprisingly familiar. He couldn't feel things Bones could though... could he?

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"They can, if you need them to, but that's not their place. The links are set by one of the patriarchs of the clan between the two intendeds as children. They'll be about seven standard years, give or take a year to ensure compatibility.

"Why? Do you plan on getting betrothed to another Vulcan?" A light tease--almost.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

That made Jim snort. "Oh yea, I'll be heading over to the nearest healer right after we're done." The sarcasm was so thick it could have been cut with a knife. "Spock's... betrothed... she died with Vulcan." He knew that much, at least, thanks to drinking and chocolate with George, Bones, and Spock.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"So I've heard." Sybok had combed through the list of dead in his spare time over several dozen cups of tea, checking off people he knew and knew of, people who had stopped him and people who had helped him.

"Breaking that link isn't the same as breaking a true bond. There's trauma and some destabilization, but the loose end can be tied up. They do it all the time, now."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Which led to the question at hand. "...How bad is it? The real thing?" Jim stepped in front of Sybok, meeting the bigger Vulcan's eyes firmly. "...Don't bullshit me and make it worse than it is because Spock is your brother. If you want to help, and I mean honestly help this relationship work whether or not we chose to break it, you'll tell me the fucking honest truth."

There was something in Jim's voice, in his stance and eyes. A leader, someone who had the strength and power to do it, and people followed him because of him, not just his rank.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Sybok met him with an even gaze, calm and assured. "If you trusted me enough," And he doubted Jim would, simply because Jim wasn't an idiot and wouldn't let anyone just stroll into his mind. "I could show you, at least until the point where you couldn't tolerate it anymore.

"It is more painful than losing a parent. It is greater than any physical pain you can imagine...though I suppose you're wondering how I'm standing here, if it's so terrible to endure?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"..." There was a flash of something that Sybok could feel, like a silent scream that was there and nearly overwhelming just for an instant before it was clamped down and gone as if it had never been. It never showed in the human's face. "You have no idea what I've felt in my life," Jim said quietly. "...How long did the worst of it last? How long had you and T'Rasi bonded?"

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

For an even briefer moment, Sybok was almost pulled forth into his own curiosity, the need to follow fleeting, hidden pains that were kept at all times from the light of day. Those were the true gems to find in his galaxy, yet he had to postpone his own needs. Again, he reminded himself, he was here for Spock.

Such blue eyes--he didn't fault his brother at all for the choice.

"We were bonded for three seasons, roughly a year on your calendar. When they severed us--" He had to close his eyes, because instead of fierce blue in his mind he saw the golden brown, light and rich and knowing, and could almost feel the reaching brush of her mind like the sensation of a phantom limb.

"I was unconscious for two weeks through no will of my own. My first year on Gault were spent reclaiming my mind from hallucinations as well as my will to live." Thanks to stronger, deeper, and older convictions, and the healers hadn't exactly been kind. Clinical, maybe, but never merciful. "The ability to use higher mathematics returned after another year through diligent study. That could be called the worst of it."

But, really, truthfully, Sybok knew that the worst of it was the persistent feeling of emptiness looming around every other corner of his mind. Everywhere there was evidence of the bond, like scratches gouged deep into polished wood.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...Hell.

Jim's shoulders dropped a little, and his hand came up. He almost touched Sybok on the arm, something he would have easily done for a member of his crew, but it hovered before it dropped. There would always be a part of him, maybe some forgotten bit of psychic remnants in the human mind, that would feel deep what someone else was. Empathy, always empathy.

His tone had changed, softened. "...Would it be that bad for Spock?" Not a tone that pleaded for it to not be, but wanted to know the truth. "With it being so new, and Nyota being a part of him still?"

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

New. What an awful and deceiving word; they had said that about their arrangement, too. A bond fresh, new, clean to vile, weak, new-enough for him to survive if only to suffer.

When Sybok opened his eyes he could see Jim's hand drop, and he tallied one for Jim in admirable qualities. Compared to what he had seen and what he had interacted with, such a mix seemed so unusual.

"He's part human. It could have little effect on him--unlikely, since he can feel you clearly--or it could be worse. He continues to be a living experiment."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

His gaze went to the side as he tried to think, tried to come up with how to explain everything to this near stranger. It didn't fully occur to him that he was finding a trust in Sybok faster than he did with most people. "You remember the man I was with when you interrupted our dinner? That's my mate. I've been with him for a while, friends with him even longer. Guy I plan to spend the rest of my life with, and visa versa. I care about Spock, probably more than a Captain should and even more than a friend should, but it's Bones that I'm worried about. What I have with him. I don't want to hurt Spock, but if I have to so that I can make sure everything is right with Bones? I will."

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

He understood the dynamic on a theoretical level, putting one important person in front of another, but it was difficult to observe objectively. He had already taken his side in this.

"And if he accepts it, would you follow?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...If we both came to the agreement that it was what was best? I would, even if I didn't like it. Don't know about Vulcans, but.. in my world, a relationship is supposed to be about equals." Bones could convince him of almost anything though. If Bones agreed... he would keep it.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Sybok smiled lightly, and motioned further down the beach; they should keep walking. "Is there anything about it that you don't like in particular?" He could only offer specific solutions to specific problems.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Confused, but willing enough to walk, Jim followed the suggestion and kept walking. "No. I like it being equal. Right now... this stuff between Spock and us? It isn't equal."

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"Why do you think that?" He asked, hands coming out from his pockets to fold behind his back. The cool air of the evening felt pleasant on his hands.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"Might be one of those human things." Jim shrugged a little. "It just isn't. Spock forced us to do something, and put something in us, against our will. That makes it uneven. Before that? I would have said it was equal. But this just tilted everything out of balance."

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

He wasn't about to plunge into the philosophies of consent, because no doubt that would irk Jim, too: the idea of arranging two children to be (in most cases) forever joined. Not to mention a host of expectations and rules that no amount of logic could destroy, usually increased the closer your House climbed to the top. He knew Spock didn't show as much grief about the consent as this man simply because in Vulcan society things happened at the will of the whole, and most of the time you couldn't stop it.

Something to teach later, or get Spock to discuss with his mates.

"Would you like to have some of that balance back?" Sybok inquired, though it was mostly a rhetorical question. "It's still your bond, regardless of who you share it with. You should me able to control it."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Jim's eyes narrowed and he looked up at Sybok, every inch of him honing in on that. "What do you mean? How could a human control it?" He thought of his question to Prime, about learning shielding...

But as a human, could he learn to do more?

There was something that cropped up in his mind, something buried in a report Bones had given to him. About the other Pike, the one who had hurt Spock fucker, and how he had seemed capable of things that a human shouldn't. Jim could remember at the time thinking it was something due to him being from another universe, or bonded to a Vulcan but... could it be learned by someone like him?

Hell, if anyone could, I can.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"When I was younger, I talked to Amanda about this." Sybok recalled, glancing up automatically at the stars. "The impression I have is that she could control everything she could reach. Shields, communication, and emotional transference."

And then he smiled, the mental cogs turning, "And, considering your situation, you might be able to take advantage of more."