[NVC Day 24] -- [Does It Comes From Within?] -- [Jim/Sybok]

[kirktastic]

When Jim left the trial that evening, it was over. No more offense, no more defense. The trial was over. Tomorrow, when he came there in the morning, they would know what would be happening with the Romulans. He felt at ends about it, broken into pieces.

So instead of going back to his room, dealing with dinner he wouldn't eat, he decided to go do something instead. After some deciding, a quick bit of research, Jim had somewhere to go. He asked Bones, but wasn't entirely surprised when Bones declined to want to come. It wasn't exactly something up Bones' alley, but tonight, it wasn't a terrible thing. Just a few hours to go out, clear his head, then come back and find Bones' arms.

That's what set Jim out to the distant cliffs, where the beaches were shallow and warm like the ocean itself. He had on a pair of swim trunks, goggles, and pairs of specially designed shoes and gloves with webs in them to help him swim and still retain movement in his fingers. He dumped the backpack he had brought with him, and pulled on the last two items he needed. Around his neck went the mouth piece to his slim, light weight breathing device that could process the water into oxygen for him to breathe. Around his head went a band with a small camera attached, and on his belt was a very light weight processor that would record everything the camera saw. He thought it would be interesting to keep, and bring back so Bones could see.

The waters of Sha'Kwai were amazing. The things he saw, diving down as deep as he could before he couldn't tolerate it anymore. It cleared his head, the silence of everything except his bubbles and the moving water. It was warm down there, like slightly less warm bathwater. He saw strange fish with horns on their head, giant coral-like creatures that swayed when he came close to them and brushed against him, even something that looked like an alligator except when it opened its mouth a small tentacle emerged and struck at a fish.

When it started to get dark, he had to get out so he could be safe. He grabbed a towel out of the backpack he had brought and dried himself off, and started to walk back towards the guest quarters again. It was a bit of a walk - the beach he had started on had been recommended to him, but the walk felt good. Worked out the kinks in his muscles.

Comments

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Technically, he hadn't, not like Spock's. Technically, he had gone through two pon farrs that were successively unsatisfying and non-bonding. Yet he had been through a bond, whole and then broken, and that was all the knowledge base he needed for this.

"The rest of you could benefit from some help, too. There's nothing that says you have to come to understand it alone." And, per tradition, since he was family of the victor he should offer some comfort, like food or lodgings (or in this case, more).

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"We're not going at it completely alone," Jim was willing to admit. Spock knew they had gone to the healer, so he assumed Sybok knew now as well. "I mean really, does this happen?" Jim glanced to Sybok - would Sybok even know, having been gone from Vulcan for so long? "Being forced on someone like this? I got the feeling that," wow, look at him being universally correct, "two males generally didn't bond, nonetheless three people, and four?"

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Sybok did know, not from being among Vulcan society (because they never talked about it) but because of his own extensive studies into Vulcan history. Whatever he could access before being shipped away from the planet, that is.

"Males don't usually bond because the combined pheromones usually encourages the wrong instincts: they think their mate is a rival, and you can imagine how well that would end. Spock probably made an exception since none of you posed an actual Vulcan-like threat. No offense.

"As far as the multiplicity goes..." Sybok paused, thought a little more, flipping through old files and lectures and other things he had heard, read, and surveyed. "History says that warlords and kings have had multiple wives of varying importance, but I can't recall a historian who had the chance to ask if they were all bonded."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"No, trust me, I'm pretty damn sure in some ways Spock saw me as a rival. Unless females bonded to Vulcans come out of pon farr with concussions and bruises and bruised ribs. He fought me..." Jim's eyes closed as he remembered, every bit of his training unable to help him.

A hand instinctively went up to his throat in memory, and he shuddered.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"If he saw you as a rival, Jim," Sybok watched the movements of Jim's hand up to his throat. If Spock did have his hands there... "You would be dead. No exceptions. Our family may not be the strongest among the Houses but he would have died before he allowed you to live."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I don't necessarily think it was that kind of rival," Jim's tone was cautious, but then suddenly he stopped as he if realized what he was talking about, who he was talking to, and just shook his head.

"Is this what you came here for? To grill me about pon farr? If it is I really don't want to talk about it."

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"I didn't come to 'grill' you about it. Neither am I here to bless your union on behalf of my family, or condemn it. I'm here to help you, like I said before." A breath, then an exhale, almost like a sigh. This human was just as friendly as Spock in a similar mood.

"You could, and you have sought professional help, but do you think the Healer you've found knows exactly what he's talking about? Any properly trained Healer can learn the procedures and remember the testimonials, but do you think he's experienced it? It's like captaining a starship. You most likely read about it while you were studying to be an officer, but does it capture the entire scope of the job or experience? I doubt it, so I'm ensuring you don't make a decision with only half the knowledge that's available to you."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"I somehow assumed Vulcans actually trained their healers and--" Jim paused, rethinking what he was going to say. He tilted his head up and looked at Sybok, brows coming together. "Are... you saying what I think you're saying? That you know what it feels like to break a bond?"

...Was Sybok here to break it?

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"I do." He didn't look away from Jim's glance. He wasn't ashamed of it (there were few things in the galaxy that could shame him anymore) or worried if Jim knew the information. This wasn't about him, this was about Spock.

"I can tell you what it feels like. I can also tell you what it feels like every day after that."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...even though he'll still have Nyota?" Jim's brows went up, but damn his curiosity he wanted to know. Sybok looked damn well old enough to have gone through pon farr so... had he bonded and it was severed? "What happened?"

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Sybok shifted his gaze to look up the length of the beach ahead of them. It wasn't so much to see how the grains captured the last bit of dying light from the setting sun, but more to collect his own memories together. The thing about keeping his emotions available was that they leached into everything, and then came alive around the most painful of his experiences.

"First of all, you should know that you don't need to endure the pon farr in order to seal a marriage bond. It can be cemented in--other ways."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"This wasn't a fucking marriage bond. Just a bond," he held up a finger, "I don't give a shit what Vulcans say, I'm human and Spock's half and there's three humans in this bond so we out rule his 1/2 Vulcan. What other ways can it be formed, then?" Because... well, he was curious, thinking about the bond he had with Bones.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

A smile tugged at the corner of Sybok's mouth and he chuckled, something soft and not louder than the ocean waves. "Let's say it is, okay, Jim?

"The other way you can form it is you can find a Healer and ask them to form it--which they will, with some convincing. With humans, I'd imagine it'd be artificial until the pon farr, but between Vulcans, it just builds on the foundation from the betrothal." That had been a grand night, he remembered vividly, though tried to ignore the fact they had been so young. He had been fresh out of his Rite of Tal'oth, she had only intended on meeting him at the gate that evening...it was one of the few truly spontaneous events in his life.

"We did this, T'Rasi--my bondmate--and I."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"...Let's stick to bond." There was just a bit of warning in that voice, but Jim looked quietly up to Sybok. "But that wasn't a bond bond, was it? What's that bond like... the partial one?"

Sybok wasn't the only one capable of getting information subtly.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"The betrothal link?" He raised his eyebrows at that direction Jim's curiosity seemed to have taken, since it was something the human would never experience. "It fills a smaller portion of your mind than the bond." Sybok put heavier emphasis on it in lieu of adding 'marriage' to it, as Jim seemed more comfortable with that.

"You can't truly communicate. At times, you can feel strong emotions if your bondmate feels it--generally not often, in any 'proper Vulcan.' Contact is also...more pleasurable than you'd have with any stranger." There was a fondness in his voice.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"So a healer has to make that happen? That... link?" Jim tilted his head, but deep inside he thought it sounded surprisingly familiar. He couldn't feel things Bones could though... could he?

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"They can, if you need them to, but that's not their place. The links are set by one of the patriarchs of the clan between the two intendeds as children. They'll be about seven standard years, give or take a year to ensure compatibility.

"Why? Do you plan on getting betrothed to another Vulcan?" A light tease--almost.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

That made Jim snort. "Oh yea, I'll be heading over to the nearest healer right after we're done." The sarcasm was so thick it could have been cut with a knife. "Spock's... betrothed... she died with Vulcan." He knew that much, at least, thanks to drinking and chocolate with George, Bones, and Spock.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

"So I've heard." Sybok had combed through the list of dead in his spare time over several dozen cups of tea, checking off people he knew and knew of, people who had stopped him and people who had helped him.

"Breaking that link isn't the same as breaking a true bond. There's trauma and some destabilization, but the loose end can be tied up. They do it all the time, now."

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

Which led to the question at hand. "...How bad is it? The real thing?" Jim stepped in front of Sybok, meeting the bigger Vulcan's eyes firmly. "...Don't bullshit me and make it worse than it is because Spock is your brother. If you want to help, and I mean honestly help this relationship work whether or not we chose to break it, you'll tell me the fucking honest truth."

There was something in Jim's voice, in his stance and eyes. A leader, someone who had the strength and power to do it, and people followed him because of him, not just his rank.

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

Sybok met him with an even gaze, calm and assured. "If you trusted me enough," And he doubted Jim would, simply because Jim wasn't an idiot and wouldn't let anyone just stroll into his mind. "I could show you, at least until the point where you couldn't tolerate it anymore.

"It is more painful than losing a parent. It is greater than any physical pain you can imagine...though I suppose you're wondering how I'm standing here, if it's so terrible to endure?"

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

"..." There was a flash of something that Sybok could feel, like a silent scream that was there and nearly overwhelming just for an instant before it was clamped down and gone as if it had never been. It never showed in the human's face. "You have no idea what I've felt in my life," Jim said quietly. "...How long did the worst of it last? How long had you and T'Rasi bonded?"

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

For an even briefer moment, Sybok was almost pulled forth into his own curiosity, the need to follow fleeting, hidden pains that were kept at all times from the light of day. Those were the true gems to find in his galaxy, yet he had to postpone his own needs. Again, he reminded himself, he was here for Spock.

Such blue eyes--he didn't fault his brother at all for the choice.

"We were bonded for three seasons, roughly a year on your calendar. When they severed us--" He had to close his eyes, because instead of fierce blue in his mind he saw the golden brown, light and rich and knowing, and could almost feel the reaching brush of her mind like the sensation of a phantom limb.

"I was unconscious for two weeks through no will of my own. My first year on Gault were spent reclaiming my mind from hallucinations as well as my will to live." Thanks to stronger, deeper, and older convictions, and the healers hadn't exactly been kind. Clinical, maybe, but never merciful. "The ability to use higher mathematics returned after another year through diligent study. That could be called the worst of it."

But, really, truthfully, Sybok knew that the worst of it was the persistent feeling of emptiness looming around every other corner of his mind. Everywhere there was evidence of the bond, like scratches gouged deep into polished wood.

[kirktastic.livejournal.com]

...Hell.

Jim's shoulders dropped a little, and his hand came up. He almost touched Sybok on the arm, something he would have easily done for a member of his crew, but it hovered before it dropped. There would always be a part of him, maybe some forgotten bit of psychic remnants in the human mind, that would feel deep what someone else was. Empathy, always empathy.

His tone had changed, softened. "...Would it be that bad for Spock?" Not a tone that pleaded for it to not be, but wanted to know the truth. "With it being so new, and Nyota being a part of him still?"

[outcastprince.livejournal.com]

New. What an awful and deceiving word; they had said that about their arrangement, too. A bond fresh, new, clean to vile, weak, new-enough for him to survive if only to suffer.

When Sybok opened his eyes he could see Jim's hand drop, and he tallied one for Jim in admirable qualities. Compared to what he had seen and what he had interacted with, such a mix seemed so unusual.

"He's part human. It could have little effect on him--unlikely, since he can feel you clearly--or it could be worse. He continues to be a living experiment."