Jim felt, curiously, both relieved and horrified. Horrified because he hadn't known about the intervening years between Tarsus and the Academy. Relieved because he felt that it was possible that Jim had no idea what drove him.
He didn't have to. There was still something, something within both of them, that had brought them here. And even if they were both wrong--it might be the same thing.
"Maybe," he said. "Maybe you don't need to know, yet. Maybe what's important right now is doing it. I'm not saying you'll ever feel or believe the things I do. But maybe you just don't know yet why you're doing it. Maybe I don't."
It was now his turn to look off into the distance.
"I went home," he said quietly. "I went home, thinking I'd never be a child again, that all of that had been taken from me and anyway I didn't want it back because I knew too much, now, to ever be that innocent again. That trusting. But my parents seemed to think I was a baby. Mom hardly let me out of her sight and Dad, the way he'd look at me..." He looked at Kirk, focusing on him and smiling a little in chagrin. "I know it doesn't sound that bad. You probably wish that's how it had been for you. But at that age, I was insulted. They'd ordered everything around being there for me. Sam resented it, all that attention on me. It only made me feel like a freak. And they tried so hard to be good... I made it through school, kept my head down and studied so I could apply early to the Academy. I ran away to Starfleet, thinking, 'They failed 4,000 people. I'm going to make sure they don't fail more.' Got there at seventeen, resenting the whole system, until I realized that the system was people. And that people, Starfleet, basically wanted good things. And the only way to make sure those things happened was to be part of it. A huge part of it. Out there, where I could take action. Make things right again, so other people didn't have to go through what I did. Or worse. I don't know how you did it. I don't think I could have aced those exams, if I hadn't worked my butt off in school."
It hadn't helped him, socially, to be admitted early with such high scores--that had gotten leaked--but once again, this version had shown him up. It was a good thing he wasn't of a resentful temper. He didn't envy Kirk his past.
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He didn't have to. There was still something, something within both of them, that had brought them here. And even if they were both wrong--it might be the same thing.
"Maybe," he said. "Maybe you don't need to know, yet. Maybe what's important right now is doing it. I'm not saying you'll ever feel or believe the things I do. But maybe you just don't know yet why you're doing it. Maybe I don't."
It was now his turn to look off into the distance.
"I went home," he said quietly. "I went home, thinking I'd never be a child again, that all of that had been taken from me and anyway I didn't want it back because I knew too much, now, to ever be that innocent again. That trusting. But my parents seemed to think I was a baby. Mom hardly let me out of her sight and Dad, the way he'd look at me..." He looked at Kirk, focusing on him and smiling a little in chagrin. "I know it doesn't sound that bad. You probably wish that's how it had been for you. But at that age, I was insulted. They'd ordered everything around being there for me. Sam resented it, all that attention on me. It only made me feel like a freak. And they tried so hard to be good... I made it through school, kept my head down and studied so I could apply early to the Academy. I ran away to Starfleet, thinking, 'They failed 4,000 people. I'm going to make sure they don't fail more.' Got there at seventeen, resenting the whole system, until I realized that the system was people. And that people, Starfleet, basically wanted good things. And the only way to make sure those things happened was to be part of it. A huge part of it. Out there, where I could take action. Make things right again, so other people didn't have to go through what I did. Or worse. I don't know how you did it. I don't think I could have aced those exams, if I hadn't worked my butt off in school."
It hadn't helped him, socially, to be admitted early with such high scores--that had gotten leaked--but once again, this version had shown him up. It was a good thing he wasn't of a resentful temper. He didn't envy Kirk his past.